Once-In-a-Lifetime Catch

Once while Jesus was standing beside the lake of Gennesaret, and the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he saw two boats there at the shore of the lake; the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both boats, so that they began to sink. But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, “Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!” For he and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken; and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people.” When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him. Luke 5:1-11

Yesterday, when I read this gospel passage, I saw it in a way that I never had before.

But first, let me start by saying that I don't subscribe to the prosperity gospel—the belief that if you are really one of God's children, he will shower blessings on you and make you comfortable, safe, successful, and prosperous. However, I do think that God sometimes chooses to grant unexpected blessings to us.

For example, I quit my corporate job and became a freelance writer without building up a savings cushion first. In spire of our lack of money, one of the first things I absolutely had to do was to buy a new computer. I was using a 12-year-old desktop model that was too slow to sustain a modern Internet connection. A few months before I left my job, the managers instituted a new reward program. At the Christmas party, one person in each department who had performed exceptionally that year would receive a bonus of several thousand dollars. I thought it sounded like an interesting program to motivate people, but I was sure that I wouldn't qualify because I was leaving. Why would my managers want to motivate someone who wasn't going to be there? Well, I was wrong. I received the bonus, which paid for my laptop.

When I read the story about Simon Peter yesterday morning, I suddenly saw it for the first time through the eyes of an independent contractor, whose income is no more secure than the income of the fishermen in the gospel. Yet, as insecure as the life of a fisherman must have been, it was an oasis of security compared to the life of an itinerant preacher, which is what Jesus called Simon to become.

Remember that Simon Peter was a married man. His mother-in-law is mentioned in the gospel of Mark. How would you feel if you were his wife, and suddenly he came home and said, "I'm not going fishing anymore. I'm becoming a disciple of this new teacher instead."

I'm sure she must have wondered how she was going to feed her family with her husband away from home, wandering all over Palestine and earning no money. And I think God must have known all that. Certainly, the enormous, net-tearing catch of fish convinced Simon that in Jesus, he had encountered a remarkable person, but I think it was a practical expression of God's love too. The catch was so enormous that Simon must have been able to sell those fish for more money than he had ever had in his life. I think it's just possible that the sudden windfall of money made the difference between destitution and comfort for the family Simon left behind.

It's a nice story to think about at a time when the economy is in such turmoil, don't you think?

Family Heritage

The photos above are both of my paternal grandmother. She's the oldest child in the lower photo. I don't have a scanner, so I used my digital camera to photograph some old photos I have. (You can see the evidence of the flash in the photographs.) The reason I did this is that I was having some email communication with a half-second cousin once removed. (Don't bother to try to figure that out. My great-great-grandfather is her great-grandfather, but we are descended from different wives.) Kay doesn't have much information about our shared grandfather's first family, so I emailed these photos to her so she could add them to her collection.

In turn, Kay sent me photocopies of two large photographs of family reunions that took place in 1909 and 1923.  My great-great grandfather was a Civil War veteran who fought in an Indiana regiment (I think). My father told me once that he remembered his Great-Grandpa Swisher. My dad, as a young boy, was frightened of him because of his long beard. I have been interested in the Civil War for a long time, and it's always meant a lot to me to have had an ancestor who fought in that conflict. It was so cool to actually see what he looked like.

Not only is Great-Great-Grandpa Swisher in the reunion photographs, my great grandmother Rose is in them too. It was easy for me to spot her because her daughter--the woman pictured above--looked a lot like her. My mother has a photograph that was taken shortly after I was born with me sitting on Great-Grandma Rose's lap and my mother and grandmother standing nearby. Someday I'd like to get that "four generations" photo from Mom's collection. I love the idea of the linked generations. I have no memories of Grandma Rose, but I like having the evidence that she knew me. Mom has said that Grandma Rose felt sorry for me because I had to wear casts on my legs when I was about a year old (I was pigeon-toed). Somehow, I find it comforting that she felt empathy for me.

Then yesterday we had a mini family reunion with another cousin in the nursing home where my mom is—Michael and I and two of my brothers got together with my second cousin DeDe there. DeDe's mom Lois was my dad's first cousin, but my grandmother raised her for much of her childhood, so Lois and my dad always considered each other siblings. So DeDe is really more like a first cousin to us. She is 15 or 16 years older than I am, approximately the same age that my oldest brother Carl would have been if he hadn't passed away. One of the things DeDe brought to my mom yesterday was some very old photos of Carl as a little boy. It was so good to see the photographs again.

I don't do a lot of geneology / family trees, but I've always been really interested in tracing my family heritage in other ways. For instance, I have my dad's eyes, but my nose and my mouth are more typical of my mom's family. And I think I got my story-telling ability from my dad, while my logical, analytical abilities come from my mom. I share my love of puns and enjoyment of absurdist humor with my second brother, and my interest in writing comes from my maternal grandmother and one of my maternal aunts. Those are just a few specific examples I've identified over the years. Tracing these kinds of links has always been important to me. It provides me with a sense of connection and rootedness that I value, even as I've chosen to be different from my family of origin in several significant ways.

Emails, photographs, and meetings--these are the reasons I've been thinking about family and how it still influences me. I'd love to hear about your family heritage too.

Sunday wish

I'm hoping you all have a tranquil restorative Sunday. I'm taking my usual blog sabbath. Please let me know if you post anything today that you'd like me to read. I'll catch up with it tomorrow.

Saturday Update

This is going to be a potluck post.

Last night, I was sick  . . . very, very sick to my stomach. It wasn't the presidential debate, really, even though the attack occurred right afterward. We think I ate some bad chicken. So all plans for today are off, and I'm going to just watch movies or football and possibly knit.

On a happier note, I've mentioned a couple of times that Michael and I were waiting to hear about a months-long writing assignment for both of us. Well, we found out this week that it received final approval. We don't have the contracts yet, but we have been offered the work. This is a big relief.

Last, I've received some blog awards this week. As is the custom, I now get to pass them on to others.

First, both Anne of Get Out of Jail Free and Elizabeth of Home Musings gave me this cheerful award. It's nice to read that they love my blog, because I love both of their blogs too.

I'm passing this award along to the following:

1. Border Explorer, whose blog I love for its keen examination of social justice.

2. Choralgirl at Choral Reef, whose blog I love for its mix of philosophizing and puppies. (Smokey sends his own award to Linus and Lucy.)

3. Christy at The Soul on Every Path, for her searching, questioning learner's spirit and her courage in going back to school to start a new career.

4. Jan at Yearning for God, who shares the most wonderful and uplifiting quotations and also writes about her own lessons in life.

5. Kate at Prairie Light, who has been through many changes the last few months and has written about them with grace.

Next, Missy of Missy's Big Fish Stories award me this. Thank you, Missy! Your posts always either make me think or make me smile.

1. Thailand Chani of Finding My Way Home, who writes with grace and insight about choosing a different path from that of most Americans.

2. Kirkepiscatoid, who always has interesting posts and lately has been recording her thoughts as she goes through 40 days of self-examination.

3. Mompriest at Seeking Authentic Voice, who recently wrote an amazing ten-part series on how she discovered her vocation and became a priest.

4. L.J. at Presbyterian Gal, for her thought-provoking posts about justice issues and her interesting tales about life with Wonderboy.

5. L.L. at Seedlings in Stone for her evocating writing and beautiful insights.

My Take on Politics Meme

Border Explorer tagged me with this meme almost a week ago. (It was originally written by Katie Schwartz, so the wording of the questions is hers.) The meme has been making the rounds and now it's my turn.

1) What is your name (nickname, whatever you're comfortable sharing), your age (range), gender, occupation, income bracket (range), how you identify (gay/straight/whatever)? Married/Single/Divorced? Kids (how many)?

Name: Ruth Hull Chatlien
Age: 50; Female; freelance writer;
income ranges wildly because my husband and I are both independent contractors;
straight/married; childless to our sorrow

2) What are the most important issues to you in this presidential election and why?

—bringing the war in Iraq to an end; making sure that we don't establish a permanent occupation of that country (which I believe would be motivated by desire for oil)

—avoiding a rush to war with Iran

—repairing international relations

—providing national health care (We're relatively lucky. So far, we can afford to pay $8,000 to fund our own health insurance--which covers anything over our individual $2,500 deductibles. Not a lot of Americans can afford to shell out $13,000 before getting any help with medical bills.)

—reducing the national debt (which sadly isn't going to happen now with the current bailout)

—securing Social Security

3) Why do you think voters should vote for Obama/Biden, what differentiates this ticket from McCain/Palin?

I would not vote for McCain because I do not want privatized Social Security. I do not want further deregulation of corporations. I do not want to be dragged into the Russia / Georgia conflict. I do not want war with Iran or North Korea. I do not want further erosion of my civil rights such as took place under the so-called Patriot Act.

I vote Democrat because I do want health insurance for all. I do want gun control. I do want clear separation of church and state. I do want a government that is willing to negotiate with other nations instead of seeing himself as the head policeman of the world.

4) If McCain/Palin wins this election, where do you see our country going in the next four years?

I think John McCain still has a Cold War mentality and we will go back to brinksmanship. I think McCain is a "hot reactor" and we'll get embroiled in situations we should stay out of. I think we will have further spying on American and other erosions of our rights such as the arrests of journalists and bloggers in the Twin Cities during the Republican convention. I think the rich will continue to feast off the poor and the middle class. We will come to resemble Latin American oligarchies. 

5) Economically, where do you think this country is today and how do you think Obama/Biden can make a positive impact?

We are as bad off economically as I have ever seen this country. Greed, mindless spending, an economy that is predicated on consume, consume, consume. We need a president who will remind us, like FDR, that the only thing we really have to fear is fear itself because panic will cause us to do exactly those things that will send the economy into a downward spiral. We need someone who, like JFK, will urge us to ask what we can do for our country. We need someone who has a vision to see beyond the consumer / capitalist model of the economy. We need someone to call for discipline and sacrifice. And we need a president who will enact budgetary responsibility such as we had during the Clinton years.

I think this economy needs to become more socialist, not less. It's obscene to live in a society where some people have $30 million and some try to live on $30,000. When you read how the early church functioned or about the ideal of the year of Jubilee in the Old Testament, they sound a lot more like socialism than capitalism. Jesus judges us by how well we treat the least of these. One look at Wall Street tells you how well the unbridled free market does that.

6) In the past 8-years, how do you think this country has changed under the Bush regime? Have you been affected by these changes? If so, in what ways?

I think we have become further polarized into an us vs. them mentality in so many ways. Not just the United States versus terrorists, but the Unites States versus anyone in the rest of the world who dares to pursue their own self-interest instead of putting the United States first.

The us vs. them mentality has further driven apart Republicans and Democrats, conservative and liberal Christians, rich versus everyone else. This mentality affects and harms all of us because it makes it nearly impossible to have dialogues about issues and find workable solutions. Instead of understanding that democracy needs dissent and compromise and concession, the attitude of the day seems to be "winner take all and to hell with anyone else." That applies both to economics and politics, and it saddens and scares me.

7) I have read that Palin is considered the new voice of feminism, which is offensive in my opinion. Of equal concern are her views on abortion and the removal of books from libraries. I'd like to know what you think about all of that and how you feel about McCain choosing Palin as a running mate. And what kind of message you think that sends to women?

A feminist? By whose definition? Feminists don't charge rape victims for evidence kits. Feminists--contrary to what conservatives say--don't think there is only one model for how to be a woman. Palin's instincts are combative, authoritarian, and reactionary. Given her response to legislative probes in Alaska, she has no respect for rule of law or constitutional checks and balances. If she is elected, she will be a terrible role model of women in a position of influence.

This meme has been circulating for a while, so I'm not going to tag anyone. If you're interested in tackling it, help yourself.

Resisting Temptation in Wilderness Times

Yesterday, one of my Bible readings concerned Jesus' temptation in the wilderness.

Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing at all during those days, and when they were over, he was famished. The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become a loaf of bread.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘One does not live by bread alone.’”

Then the devil led him up and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And the devil said to him, “To you I will give their glory and all this authority; for it has been given over to me, and I give it to anyone I please. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.’"

Then the devil took him to Jerusalem, and placed him on the pinnacle of the temple, saying to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you,’ and ‘On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” When the devil had finished every test, he departed from him until an opportune time. Luke 4:1-13

When I was growing up, I viewed this as just one of those pieces of "head knowledge" that Christians were supposed to have: Jesus was tempted, he resisted temptation, he was God.

Then several years ago, I suddenly saw myself in the story too.

• The temptation to turn the stone into bread is the temptation to take shortcuts or do ungodly things to provide for my daily needs.

• The second temptation is the temptation to seek status and glory and recognition.

• The third temptation is a fear for physical safety and the temptation to demand that God protect me from every risk . . . with perhaps a consequent loss of faith if I experience suffering.

Each of those temptations plagues me often, although usually not all at once. Which temptation proves most vexing depends on what is going on in my life.

I was glad to be reminded of this passage yesterday because we are going through uncertain times. I know that I have been feeling a lot of anxiety about the economy and the campaign, and it's starting to pull me down, . . . and from what I've been reading on other blogs, a similar malaise is affecting many others.

In his answers to Satan, Jesus seems to be saying that the solution to the three temptations offered is to remember who God is. Immerse yourself in his word. Remember that God is in charge of everything and worship him. Do not put him to the test by setting up hoops he must jump through before you will trust him.

The following Psalm was not part of the readings for yesterday, but I spent time with it all the same because it reminded me of the same messge:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;

though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult. . . .

“Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.”

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Psalm 46:1-2; 10-11

If the economy crashes, if I lose my home, if all that I have saved for retirement melts away, God will still be God. I will still have the same choices of whether to love, honor, and obey him or to pursue my own desires and goals.

I pray that I may be found faithful by the choices that I make.

I Believe . . .

My cousin e-mailed me this yesterday, and I liked it, so I'm posting it.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.


I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The Same goes for true love.


I Believe....
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.


I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.


I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.


I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.


I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.


I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.


I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.


I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
 
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.


I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others; sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.


I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.


I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for whom we become.


I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.


I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.


I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.


I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.


' The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

Thinking Autumn

I owe Border Explorer a political meme, but I spent all day Monday writing about cognitive psychology, and I just can't think that hard right now. (Sorry, BE, but I promise I will get to it.)

Since we just passed the autumnal equinox, I'm going to post some photos that make me think of autumn. These are old because we don't have much fall color here yet.

The last few mornings have been misty like this:

And this was what the maple in the front yard looked like last year. I hope we have a repeat performance. The tree is about 14 years old, and the last few years, it's gotten better every year.

Finally, to me, fall always means the return of knitting season, so I am going to shamelessly show off some of my past handiwork. The top photo is a shawl of very warm, fuzzy, self-striping* yarn. It has cables on both sides, so there is no right side / wrong side.

More self-striping yarn. If you've read the blog much at all, you've probably picked up that I LOVE color.

This one doesn't show as well as I would like, but it's absolutely one of my favorites. It was a pain in the butt getting those bobbles positioned precisely row after row.

An aran sweater in one of the colors that looks best on me.

One last sweater made of self-striping yarn (and me with an old hairstyle). This was taken the week I left my old job. Notice how happy I look. LOL

Hoping we all have a warm and cozy autumn.

* Self-striping yarn is yarn that the manufacturer dyes so that it changes color at intervals. So, for example, you might have 10 yards of peacock blue, 8 yards of grape purple, 8 yards of brown, 10 yards of grass green, 12 yards of turquoise, then the pattern repeats. When you knit with that kind of yarn, the stripes appear without your having to change your skein.

Contemporary Jonahs

Yesterday in church, this was our Old Testament reading:

When God saw what the people of Nineveh did, how they turned from their evil ways, God changed his mind about the calamity that he had said he would bring upon them; and he did not do it.

But this was very displeasing to Jonah, and he became angry. He prayed to the LORD and said, "O LORD! Is not this what I said while I was still in my own country? That is why I fled to Tarshish at the beginning; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and ready to relent from punishing. And now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live." And the LORD said, "Is it right for you to be angry?" Then Jonah went out of the city and sat down east of the city, and made a booth for himself there. He sat under it in the shade, waiting to see what would become of the city.

The LORD God appointed a bush, and made it come up over Jonah, to give shade over his head, to save him from his discomfort; so Jonah was very happy about the bush. But when dawn came up the next day, God appointed a worm that attacked the bush, so that it withered. When the sun rose, God prepared a sultry east wind, and the sun beat down on the head of Jonah so that he was faint and asked that he might die. He said, "It is better for me to die than to live."

But God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the bush?" And he said, "Yes, angry enough to die." Then the LORD said, "You are concerned about the bush, for which you did not labor and which you did not grow; it came into being in a night and perished in a night. And should I not be concerned about Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also many animals?"

Jonah 3:10-4:11

That passage has always convinced me that Jonah was a thoroughly nasty piece of work. He's perfectly willing for 120,000 people to die to confirm his own worldview that he is righteous and they are sinners, so willing in fact that he becomes angry when they repent and God saves them.

Yesterday as these verses were read in church, I was struck by the realization that many Christians are still like this. Those who are quick to gleefully announce that other people are going to hell for their beliefs or their actions strike me as Jonahs of the 21st century. We've all heard them: Catholic priests who deny communion to politicians who differ from the church's stand on abortion, the long-haired man in England who interrupted a church service to shout at Bishop Gene Robinson that he was going to hell for his homosexuality, the preachers in America who announced that New Orleans deserved the hurricane or that America deserved the 9/11 attack because of sin.

Sometimes I wonder just what God these people worship. I've already written about how I believe that contemporary American Christianity's obsession with homosexuality and abortion is a case of misplaced priorities (My Take on Biblical Priorities), so I won't reiterate that viewpoint here. Instead, I have a single question about those who preach hellfire and damnation with such enthusiasm:

Where is the grace and the love?

My understanding of Scripture is that each of us is flawed and undeserving of heaven, but that God offers it freely as a gift because of love. And the Jesus I love is the one who said, "Let him who is without sin be the one to cast the first stone."

The irony in that story is that Jesus himself met the requirement of being sinless, yet he did not raise a hand against the adulterous woman. No, he gave her hope for her future and sent her on her way.

I'm not saying that we have to be mamby pamby and say, "Whatever you think is ok is all right to believe." There is nothing wrong with having a dialogue and saying respectfully, "My take on that issue is different. Here is what I believe and why . . ." The keys are respect, openness, and humility. The error lies in presuming to speak for God and in pronouncing the condemnation of another human being. I don't believe God ever calls us to do that. 

One of Jesus' bitterest denunciations is reserved for religious leaders and experts in Biblical law because they piled burdens on the people and did not lift them, and they kept the smallest details of the commandments but did not have love or justice. (See Luke 11.) And by justice, Christ did not mean pronouncing sentence on sin. He meant practicing social justice, alleviating poverty, and reducing inequalities.

I know that I am not perfect in this regard. At times, I have commented in anger about the actions of others. But at my best, I do not want to be a Jonah, perpetuating the divisions in Christianity or promoting an image of God as a gleeful hanging judge.

Lord, help me not to spread condemnation or hatred. Instead, let my life be guided by the prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Half Full or Half Empty

Yesterday afternoon, I became so discouraged. Monday I took another blood test to see if my cholesterol has improved because of the lifestyle changes, and I wasn't able to learn the results from my doctor until yesterday.

It's better but not as much as I'd hoped. My total cholesterol reduced from 218 to 204. My LDL reduced too, but again, not that much. She (my doctor) wants me to go on a low-fat diet and lose ten more pounds.

We're already on a fairly low-fat diet, so that news was quite discouraging. I felt depressed, close to crying, all evening.

One reason I think I felt so upset was that it just seemed like life was piling on. So far this week, I've had to deal with four days of struggles with AT&T and a relapse  for Smokey of both his ear infection and knee pain. (I also received much love for my birthday, which was wonderful. I don't want to minimize that.)

I'd really hoped and expected that my cholesterol would have dropped more dramatically. My initial reaction was that my dietary changes didn't accomplish anything.

Obviously, that's an overreaction. When I was in counseling several years ago, my psychologist used to model a certain technique for me. I don't know what it's called, but Tom often managed to take the same information that I was interpreting negatively and put a more positive spin on it. So that's what I decided to try to do with this news.

1. It was a blessing that I didn't receive the test results until Friday because I was able to enjoy my birthday feast without guilt. I don't think a one-time splurge like that will devastate my health as long as I go back to my strict diet.

2. I did make progress. I'm going in the right direction. If I can lower my cholesterol 7 percent in 3 months, maybe I can accomplish twice that much before my next blood test in March.

3. I did some research on the Internet last night, and apparently it takes much longer to lower cholesterol by diet than it does by medication. I haven't been able to find hard numbers, but maybe I accomplished more than I realize. (Or maybe not. I'm still researching the question.)

4. Evidently, my doctor thinks I'm going in the right direction. She made no mention of statins this time, and she increased the period of time that she's willing to trust me to work on this on my own.

5. I've thought of a few more dietary changes I can make that should help. For instance, I wasn't being very strict about cheese because of my calcium issues. So I can reduce cheese and stick to nonfat yogurt and skim milk as calcium sources. And I usually drink a beer with supper. I'll switch that to red wine for its cholesterol reducing properties. And of course, I'll reduce overall fat as my doctor said.

6. I've been undecided about how much weight loss to pursue because of the whole wardrobe issue. Now the decision has been taken out of my hands. I have to lose ten more pounds, which will definitely require wardrobe changes. (It also gives me a target weight, so I'll know when to stop losing, making the decision of when to buy clothes clearer.) And, if I reach the target weight my doctor has for me, I'll no longer be in the overweight category. That would be pretty cool.

7. The last three weeks, I sloughed off my regimen a little, going from exercising 5 times a week to only 4. This motivates me to increase my exercising again.

I know I'm going to feel sad about this on and off for a few days. When you have such high hopes for achieving something and discover that you fell short, it naturally feels like a blow emotionally, and usually that casts a cloud over me for a while.

But in spite of my mood, I'm going to try to pick myself up and keep on going.

Does anyone know of a cholesterol-lowering saint I can pray to? LOL

P.S. Just a reminder that I don't blog on Sundays. If you post something you'd like me to read, let me know by comment or email and I'll be sure to read it Monday. Thanks.

Thanks, I Had a Lovely Time

No, the watch isn't some kind of hokey play on words with the title. It was my birthday present from Michael. Isn't it pretty? I teased him about giving me a gold watch for 50 years of service. (I had a comment in here about it being solar-powered because that's what the box and instruction book said, but I think the jewelry store made a mistake and it's a quartz movement.)

I want to thank all of you who commented on my fifty blessings thread. The fact that it got more than 50 comments just blew me away. I'm so touched by your warmth and support.

Last night, we went out to a fabulous restaurant. For Michael's 50th birthday, we went to Carlos' Restaurant in the suburb of Highwood. It is a contemporary French restaurant that is consistently rated in the top 5 in the Chicago area and has even been ranked in the top 25 in the country at times. Michael and I love fine dining, but can't do it very often because of the cost and the impact on our health.

We decided 5 years ago during Michael's 50th birthday dinner that we would go back to the same restaurant for my 50th birthday. All this year, no matter what our income was, Michael insisted that one item in the budget was sacred—the money we'd set aside to go to Carlos'. He also urged me to just forget about my diet for the day. I've been really disciplined for three months and not really strayed from my dietary guidelines . . . until last night. And I must report that my birthday dinner was the most fun I've had in a restaurant since we came back from Paris in 2000.

Carlos' has two menus. One is a typical menu, and one is a degustation menu in which the chef basically shows off. You get 7 courses, all appetizer sized, so you can try a lot of different things. Michael did the seafood degustation. I did the meat and game because I'm allergic to fish.

So . . . (drumroll, please), here is the menu of what I ate last night. (Remember the portion of each, including the wine, was tiny.)

Grilled California Squab Breast with Tart of Spinach, and Mushrooms
with a Natural Jus
2000 Jacques Cacheux “1er Cru & Fils Vosne-Romanée “1er Cru Les Suchots” Burgundy

Pan Seared Duck and Duck Confit with Hudson Valley Foie Gras, Baby Carrots and a Grape Reduction
2006 Tohu “Cuvee” Pinot Noir Marlborough New Zealand

Grilled Lamb Chop with Ox-Tail Ravioli, Baby Spinach and a Caramelized Shallot and Sherry Gastrique
2003 Domaine de Villenueuve Chateauneuf-du-Pape “Les Vieilles Vignes” Rhone Valley

Cocoa Crusted New Zealand Venison with Caramelized Fennel, Root Vegetables and a Cherry Reduction
2005 Tangley Oaks “Lot #9” Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley

Grilled Ribeye with Butter Poached Fingerling Potatoes, Roasted Cauliflower and a Cabernet-Rosemary Reduction
2006 Cantena Malbec Mendoza, Argentina

Symphony of Dessert
NV Piper-Heidsieck Brut Champagne

Petits Four

Cappuccino

I told Michael that I felt like an ancient Roman at one of their incredible banquets. This was the first time I'd ever tried venison or squab (young pigeon). I never would have ordered a whole entree of either, but this was the perfect way to try them as I knew I would enjoy the duck, lamb, and ribeye.

Today is a back-to-work, back-to-my-diet day. I see lots of oatmeal, veggies, and water drinking in my future. But aaaah, it was fun to walk on the decadent side for just one night.

Fifty Blessings

As of 8:30 this morning, I will be 50 years old. For the last few weeks, I've been trying to figure out what to post today. I finally decided to list 50 things I'm grateful for. The main reason is that life has felt really negative and discouraging lately, and counting blessings is always a good counter balance to that. (Please note that these are not in order of priority.)

1. the love of God

2. Michael

3. Smokey

4. the community we have found in our church

5. our own house

6. a career I find meaningful

7. being self-employed

8. basically good health (with some issues)

9. my brothers

10. beauty

11. flowers

12. creativity

13. friends from former churches

14. friends from my old job

15. friends from Internet forums

16. friends from blogging

17. freedom of religion

18. freedom of speech

19. the right to vote

20. a college education

21. still having my mom alive

22. having a good treadmill here at home

23. rediscovering my bicycle

24. poetry

25. novels

26. digital cameras

27. knitting (it's a great stress relief)

28. the Bible

29. the Internet (what did we do without it)

30. a winning Cubs team (I never said these had to be profound)

31. my pastors (who are a married couple)

32. nieces and nephews

33. grand-nieces and grand-nephews

34. my cousin Chris

35. my in-laws

36. the Chicago Bears (see #30)

37. writers I admire like Tolkien, L'Engle, and Greene

38. art

39. color

40. sunsets

41. the ocean

42. the Kankakee River (I grew up blocks from there and played on its banks often)

43. birds

44. butterflies

45. hymns

46. classical music

47. contemporary music

48. good movies

49. improvement to my allergies

50. my recent weight loss

Those are the 50 blessings I'm thankful for today. And I'm thankful for each person who is reading this too.

P.S. It is also Grandmère Mimi's birthday today too. She is a very, very cool blogger who lives in Louisiana. Go wish her a happy day.

Playing God Vs. Learned Helplessness

The last few days, in which our Internet, phone, and television transmission kept crashing, have been a much-needed reminder that I am not in control of the universe . . . not that I seriously ever thought I was. However, humans do seem to have this urge to live with the illusion of control. Wasn't that what Adam and Eve's sin was all about, the desire to be like God and decide everything for themselves?

I can't control AT&T. That's such an absurd statement that it makes me want to dissolve in giggles. Of course, I can't control such a corporate giant.

Yet, neither do I need to roll over and play dead for them.

The writing project I'm working on currently is in the subject area of psychology. And one of the concepts I had to write about this week is the idea of learned helplessness. If a person is in an uncomfortable situation, yet he or she finds that all efforts to escape or alleviate the situation accomplish nothing, that person will absorb the idea that he or she is powerless. He or she eventually stops trying.

I think that attitude is summed up in the expression You can't fight city hall . . . or corporate America, for that matter.

My challenge the last few days has been to find the right balance. I don't want to succumb to learned helplessness, yet I have to remember that there is only so much I can do to resolve the situation. I can choose to pursue the issue and request repairs again and again, but is it really helpful to scream over the phone at the AT&T customer service reps? Generally, I think not. However, I did tell them again and again what these problems were costing me in terms of hampering my business.

The thing that keeps me from going ballistic when problems like these happen is reminding myself that nobody is doing this deliberately. AT&T is not maliciously trying to alienate me as a customer. So I spent hours on the phone, giving them every last piece of information I could think of in the off chance that I might provide the one clue that could help them track down the problem.

In the end, the service issues had nothing to do with any of my theories. But I'm glad that I participated as much as I was able.

In a lot of ways, that's how I feel about the upcoming election. I can't control the outcome in November, but I do vote and email my elected representatives, and we sent money to the candidate of our choice even though we're still on a tight budget. I'm even debating whether I should do more and perhaps volunteer to help a campaign. I'm still waiting for some inner guidance on that one.

With the economic problems and the negative political climate and the stream of disasters our nation has recently endured, I think a lot of people are feeling overwhelmed and unable to do anything to counteract what's happening.

If any of you are in that place, I urge you not to give in to learned helplessness. Take one action today. Just one. Email a government official, sign an online petition about a cause you care about, find a way to cut your budget, send money to a relief agency helping the hurricane victims, donate to a food pantry, or update your resume so you can search for a better job. You will feel much better about yourself, and you'll have done something to make a difference. 

On the other hand, if any of you are exhausted from trying to control the outcomes, remember that you're not in this alone.  You don't have to do everything all by yourself. Do what you can and trust God for the outcome.

Ok, I'm done preaching now.  Have a wonderful Wednesday.

I Seem To Be Back . . .

The technicians left about 10:30 this morning, and so far so good. They discovered a couple of things that could be improved. The main thing was that the original technicians didn't make the best choice of cable to carry the signal as far as it needed to come from the central "box."

I've tried to catch up on your blogs. If I missed a post you'd really like me to read, let me know.

Oh, and I've been feeling for a while that I needed a more modern blog look. What do you think? I saved the old template, so I can put it back anytime, but I think I'll try this for a while unless my faithful readers howl.

It's good to be back online.

P.S. It's 6:00 AM Wednesday. The service held through the night. Hallelujah.

Ruth 

Tuesday update

This is going to be a short post because there is no way to predict how long our Internet service will stay up.

The repair technician didn't come yesterday. They had to cancel because they were back-logged, . . . I assume with problems related to the flooding around here. (We don't have that issue. Our subdivision is on a ridge and doesn't flood.)

Anyway, someone is supposed to come out this morning. We'll see.

The U-Verse is Against Me

Does this look like a gateway to you? 

About a week or so ago, Adam, a salesperson representing AT&T came to our door and told us about a great new service that was coming to our area. They were installing fiber-optic cables, and by subscribing to AT&T U-Verse, we could have our phone, Internet, and cable TV all come to us over the Internet. Our Internet speed would increase threefold. We decided to do it for two main reasons. We had satellite TV, and bad weather would knock out our signal. The U-Verse would correct that problem. But most of all, we rely on the Internet for our work as freelance writers, and having faster Internet would be a big advantage.

(Side story about Adam. He played with Smokey while he was talking to us. A few days later, I was walking the dog and he spotted Adam halfway down the block at someone else's house. I practically had to drag him to keep going on the walk because he wanted to go play with his new buddy again. Smokey really bonds with the people he likes.)

After our order was placed, AT&T discovered a snag. A few years ago, our main phone number was switched from being a residential number to a small business number. Some AT&T rep convinced me that we would get a better deal that way. But it never should have happened. Even though we are work-at-home freelance writers, the way we use our phone, we didn't actually qualify as a business. (They're interested in people who use the phone for marketing calls and stuff like that. We just make very rare calls to the editors who hire us to write.) The problem is that the U-Verse deal wasn't available for businesses, so AT&T cancelled the order. We had to call customer service and have the phone changed back to a residential line. Then I had to call and replace the order for U-Verse. I probably spent two hours on the phone dealing with all that mix-up.

So two technicians--Matt and a trainee whose name I didn't catch--came to our house at 9:30 Friday and worked until 4:30 to install U-Verse. By the time they left, everything was up and running, and we were looking forward to seeing how much of an improvement the new service would be. But we were really tired, so we didn't do much experimenting.

That night, I had trouble sleeping, partially because I'd foolishly napped on the couch after supper and partially because my husband was snoring. So I got up to go sleep in the other room. I keep my computer in that room, so as a matter of habit, I checked my email and discovered we had no Internet service. Alarmed, I walked through the house and found that our land-line phones were dead as were our TVs. So I used my cell phone to call AT&T at 1:00 in the morning. (Thank God for our cell phone. Without it, we would have been screwed throughout this whole situation.) Fred, the customer service person I talked to, thought that there was a technical problem in their computer system that caused our order to stall and he "escalated" the order, which he thought should be resolved by the time we woke up. That call took about half an hour.

I got up at 7:00, and we still had no service of any kind. I then spent the next 2 hours and 15 minutes on the phone with AT&T customer service, this time with David. The phone call I'd made at 1:00 AM had accomplished exactly nothing because the customer service rep I was talking to had been totally confused by the original canceled order and had mistaken it for a computer glitch.

So David and I spent forever trying to figure out why our service was down. He was certain that the old cancelled order had nothing to do with it, or the switch from business to residential. At one point, when we were desperately trying every last thing we could think of, I asked Michael to go behind his computer cart, which held the basic gateway to all the services in the house, and check that all the cables were connected. I'd already done it once, but as I said, by then I was desperate.

While Michael was back there jiggling cords, the service suddenly came back on. We concluded that perhaps there had been a loose cable, which I had accidentally dislodged when I pushed back the computer cart that Matt and his trainee had left in the middle of Michael's office. Once we had the service restored, it took a very long time to get the wireless connection for my laptop working again. (It's a complicated story, but the short version is that it was an issue of getting Apple products to view AT&T products as their default wireless router.) It took several attempts to get the two to work together and several tests to make sure the connection would survive a power loss or shut down.

When I finally got off the phone, I ate some breakfast. After eating, I went to read blogs.

But I couldn't. The service was down. Fortunately for all concerned, there were no AT&T employees close at hand for me to throttle. I called AT&T back, spoke to a rep named Holly, and managed to hold my temper as I told her in no uncertain terms that they had to get a technician out to the house as soon as possible. The earliest they could schedule me was Sunday morning.

The service went on and off all day Saturday. It soon became obvious that every time it rained hard, the service quit and every time the weather quieted to a moderate or soft rain, the service came back on. At least that pattern told me that the problem didn't exist within the four walls of our house. The fact that service was restored while Michael was checking the connections was just one of those freakish coincidences.

So Michael and I stayed home from church on Sunday. A new technician named Roger came out at 9:00 Sunday morning, and we told him about the weather connection. After checking the inside and the outside of the house, he found an old, malfunctioning "protector" in the equipment on the outside where all the cables came in. He fixed it, gave us the number of his direct line in case something went wrong, and went away. Everything worked all day Sunday, even though we had several more hours of rain, some of it heavy.

I'm more relieved than I can tell you that everything still seems to be functional at this point.

I rely on technology far more than what is good for me. But I'm not sure what to do about it. This is the world we live in now, and I need to stay up-to-date with technology to make my living.

Yet I'm reminded of Psalm 20:7-8

Some take pride in chariots, and some in horses,
but our pride is in the name of the Lord our God.
They will collapse and fall,
but we shall rise and stand upright.

Substitute computers for chariots and Internet for horses, and I think those verses would be a pretty astute commentary on my weekend.

So who exactly was the first genius to claim that technology would make our lives easier? I'd like to take that person and have them relive my six hours on the phone with AT&T customer service, not to mention the eight hours of having technicians tramp in and out of the house. They were all polite and tried to be helpful, but I've got to tell you, this was not fun.

And gentle readers, I have a piece of advice for each of you. If a salesman for U-Verse comes to your house, don't schedule the installation for a period when you really need the Internet or your phones. You never know what might go wrong.

I'm just sayin'.

NOTE: It's 7:00 AM. It was off again this morning and then it came back on. God alone knows why. AT&T certainly doesn't seem to. A new technician is supposed to come out this afternoon. Please pray for us. I'm am SOOO frustrated.

INTERNET ISSUES

Our connections keep crashing and then coming up for mere minutes at a time.

So don't expect to see me on blogs till Monday at rhe earliest.

Saturday's post is below.

Finish the Sentence Meme

I saw this at Choral Reef, and thought it looked like fun.

1. My aunt once left a dead Christmas standing for months until her brother returned home from fighting in World War II.

2. Never in my life will I understand the attraction of bungee jumping.

3. When I was five I no longer believed in Santa Claus.

4. High school was a time of great anxiety as I thought I had to be perfect to earn a scholarship (because my family could not afford to send me to college).

5. I will never forget (apparently) the first four lines of the Canterbury Tales in Middle English. I used to know 18 lines of it, which I was required to memorize for a class in college.

6. Once I met an actor who did a hilarious Elke Sommer imitation.

7. There’s this boy I know who is the most huggy child I've ever met.

8. Once, at a bar, I sat and drank free pop because my uncle managed the place.

9. By noon, I'm usually just about ready to change out of my pajamas, but only because I have to take Smokey for his noon walk.

10. Last night I was exhausted because we had AT&T technicians in our house all day (7 hours, no exaggeration) switching our Internet, television, and phone over to fiber optic cables. Our net speed just tripled or quadrupled. So far, that's the best part.

11. If only I had a million and a half dollars, I'd give it to Michael to make his movie.

12. Next time I go to church I'll need to buy the tickets to the annual wine tasting dinner. (Hey, we're Episcopalians.)

13. What worries me most is the thought of being old, poor, and alone.

14. When I turn my head left I see a six-foot tall and six-foot wide bookcase that my roommate and I built in the 1980s.

15. When I turn my head right I see Michael.

16. You know I’m lying when . . . well, I'm not really sure. I try so hard not to.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is absolutely nothing. I'm not much for going backwards in life.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare, I’d be Portia of Merchant of Venice. You get to figure out why.

19. By this time next year I hope that we're in a better situation financially.

20. A better name for me would be impossible. I like my name.

21. I have a hard time understanding random cruelty.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll be less concerned about my GPA.

23. You know I like you if I knit you something (and we're not related).

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be Michael.

25. Take my advice, never relinquish your conscience to the control of someone else.

26. My ideal breakfast is not too fatty.

27. A song I love but do not have is pretty rare in this day of iTunes.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest going to the state park north of town.

29. Why won’t people spend as much energy on choosing the nation's next leaders as they do on their fantasy football picks?

30. If you spend a night at my house, you'll end up sleeping in my office.

31. I’d stop my wedding for a tornado, I suppose. Our church doesn't have a basement. However, since I'm already married, this is a pointless question.

32. The world could do without high fructose corn syrup.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than kiss John McCain.

34. My favorite blondie is, I don't know, my grand-nephew Teddy, I guess.

35. Paper clips are more useful than just folding the corners of a stack of papers together and tearing a little gash in it. (Did anyone else ever do that?)

36. If I do anything well it’s sorting through my emotions.

37. I can’t help but fantasize about what life would be like if Michael sold a screenplay.

38. I usually cry when I see a baptism.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece: Find out what you really love to do and make sure to find room for it in your life.

40. And by the way, you're tagged if you want to play along.

Diary of a Neurotic Schnoodle

Friday, September 12

My mom is typing this for me because she doesn't trust me not to drool on her laptop. Stupid computer. She always has it on her lap, and that's my place!

My bad knee hasn't bothered me much lately, and I'm happy about that, except that Dad still won't let me play fetch very much. I'm thinking of writing Tom Brady a letter and telling him I feel sorry about his knee injury, and I understand how much it hurts and how frustrating it is not to play, but Mom says I should save my sympathy in case a Bears player gets hurt. I hate to say this, but she's kind of biased when it comes to football. Baseball too. I don't get it.

My ear infection is finally better. It was a really deep one. It made my head itch so bad I kept hitting myself with my back leg, trying to knock out whatever was growing in there. Once Mom started putting those horrible, refrigerated drops in my ear, I had some really nasty discharge. Mom says it looked like grey toothpaste. (Which reminds me, would you people tell her that dogs don't need to have their teeth brushed?) Mom says my ear is well enough now that we can go back to cleaning it only once or twice a week. I say forget it altogether, but she's not buying it.

I had a really bad day Wednesday. Mom and Dad used their angry voices with each other for a little while (see yesterday's post), and I got so upset that I stayed on my dog bed, which is under part of the dining room table where no humans ever sit. They hardly ever talk to each other like that, so I didn't like it. I tried to be an especially good dog and be really quiet, but later Dad left our house for a while to go to the "library" and I got more upset because I was scared he wouldn't come back.

Then I did something so bad that I'm ashamed to admit it, but Mom says confession is good for the soul. I went pee pee by the front door. I haven't done that since I was a puppy, and I'm three-and-a-half years old now! I thought Mom and Dad (who had come back by then) were going to start using their angry voices at me. But Mom yelled at the puddle, not at me. (She told Dad she read a book that said to do that if you don't catch the dog in the act.) After she cleaned it up, we all went for a family walk in the cemetery, which I liked, and I was happier after that. I heard Mom and Dad saying they didn't understand why I had my "accident." Mom said she thought I had too many "stress hormones" in my system, but I didn't understand what she meant because all I'd had to eat that day was my regular food.

That night, I was still feeling a little insecure, so instead of curling up to sleep dog style in our family bed, I rolled over on my back and tucked my head under Mom's chin. Nothing feels as safe as having my face right next to Mom's face. And then I snored really loud which is what I do when I want Mom and Dad to know I'm feeling emotional.

They laughed and said I was a funny dog who was neurotic and spoiled. But I don't think it's funny that I love my people so much I want them to be happy. Do you?

Anyway, everybody was happy yesterday, and I didn't have any accidents, and nobody used an angry voice except when I barked at the UPS man. Dad yelled at me for barking, but I'm used to that. Sometimes I feel these giant-sized emotions that are too big for my chest, and I just can't hold them inside even though I know I'm supposed to. I bark and bark, and then I feel ashamed afterwards. I guess maybe that's how Mom and Dad felt Wednesday.

So that's what's going on in my house. I hope everything is ok with you. And if you haven't got anything better to do this weekend, come on over and play with me. I like playing fetch, and Dad might bend the "no playing" rule for visitors.

Smokey

Pursuing What Matters

Do you remember where you were seven years ago?

My husband and I were on a commuter train traveling the 35 miles from our home in Zion to the office where we were working in Evanston, IL. We were sitting in our regular car, not far behind a group of women who always sat together and flirted with our conductor (who looked like a short Tom Selleck). One of the women was messing around with the cell phone she'd purchased not long before, experimenting with accessing news bulletins or whatever, and she suddenly looked up and announced, "A plane just flew into the World Trade Center."

Not long afterward, she told us about the second plane. At that moment, I knew without being told that it was a terrorist act.

By the time we reached the office about nine central time, people were gathering in the large conference room to watch the news on television. The first building had already collapsed. After a few minutes, I went back to my cubicle, but my husband stayed and saw the second building fall in real time.

The rest of the week was a blur of misery and horror, watching way too much news coverage and trying to grapple with unimaginable evil. On a personal note, a week after 9-11, my father went into the hospital for the last time, and I spent the next two weeks, making the 110-mile journey to the hospital several times, as the family waited to see if he would recover or die. 

Between what was happening in the country and what was happening in my family, gloom seemed to hang over everything. At one point, shortly after Dad passed away, I was out in my garden planting tulip bulbs and I glanced up at the sky, and I really saw it for the first time in weeks. And I remember saying to myself, "It doesn't matter what they do, they can't take everything away from us. They can't take away love, and they can't take away beauty."

Yesterday, Michael and I had a very difficult day. A few years ago, he wrote a script for a feature-length film, which won a screenwriting contest. He hasn't been able to sell it to anyone, so he has decided to try to produce it himself. (This is on top of working as a freelance educational writer.) I can't go into any details, but he's been making helpful contacts and is putting together a team of people, and many things seem to be falling into place. But to go any further with the project, he has to take care of some legal requirements, and that will cost a lot of money. We're having a tight year, so the difficult conversation yesterday was about how to make this happen in a way that I feel comfortable with financially. It was one of the most contentious exchanges we've had in 18 years of married life, but after about two hours of hashing out our opposing views and the emotional baggage that was causing each of us to feel the way we did, we came to an agreement. We decided how much to spend, where we're going to get the money, and the upper limit of expenses beyond which we would not go.

What does this have to do with 9-11, you might be wondering? To me, it has everything to do with it. We live in an uncertain world in which evil can strike at any time and we could die tomorrow. My husband is trying to make his life count by pursuing the work he finds most meaningful. I honor him for that, even if I do sometimes long for more financial security. I'm trying not to be like the foolish rich man who built a larger barn to store all his crops, not realizing that he would die the next day. (Luke 12:16-21) He put his trust in material things, and at times like this, I have to remind myself not to do that. Michael is a very talented man who hasn't found success in the marketplace, largely because he has written about his passions rather than the popular trends. He has more personal, spiritual, and artistic integrity than almost anyone else I know.

In a post 9-11 world, those qualities are more valuable than ever.

His favorite way to write

Quest for the Perfect Pants

This is a tale to illustrate how truly obsessive I had become about clothes. I mean Obsessive. About. Clothes.

About ten years ago, my sister-in-law gave me an olive, fair isle, cardigan vest from Eddie Bauer. I liked it but had nothing to wear with it. So I went online and found a pair of greyish olive khakis from Lands End overstocks. (I do all my shopping online.) And over time I just grew to love those pants. I wore them with the afore-mentioned vest. I bought a greyish-green argyle cashmere cardigan that went with them. I bought a pink corduroy shirt with small rosebuds and leaves the color of the pants. Etc.

Over the next several years, I wore the pants so much that they frayed at the hems and were no longer presentable to wear to the office. What to do? I has several outfits constructed around those pants. I freakin' loved them. And nobody made anything remotely like them anymore.

So I bought a pair of hunter green formal twill pants from Lands End. (I have single-handedly kept Lands End prosperous.) I liked the new pants ok, but they didn't have the same comfortable feel as the khakis.

Then I bought a pair of wool pants in a sort of heathered mossy green from a discount place. They weren't very good quality, and the fabric pilled. Plus, they had to be dry cleaned, and they weren't even remotely like my casual khakis.

Then I bought these from Eddie Bauer. Good color. I like the fabric, which is woven and slightly coarse, and I like the boot-cut style. But they are low waisted, and I feel silly at my age having to buy special underwear to wear low-riding pants. 'Nough said. I still wear them, but I'm careful about what top I pair them with. (Translate that into longer tops for coverage.)

I bought another pair from Land's End that weren't khakis. They are a slicker, dressier material (I forget what), but they are lighweight and machine washable. They're very nice—a good compromise between formal and casual—and I like them a lot. But they're not the same.

I also bought a pair of olive green, knit corduroys with an elastic waist. They work great under my sweaters, but they make me feel middle-aged.

So what did I finally end up with—five pair of pants in the olive/moss color range? I never wear the wool ones anymore, but each of the others has found its own niche in the crazy universe of Ruth's wardrobe. However, none of them has ever come close to being the perfect replacement for the pair I wore out.

The moral of the story? Don't let your identity get wrapped up in anything as external as a piece of clothing. And never try to recreate an idealized piece of your past. It's way too expensive and just plain futile.

P.S.  Anyone know where I can get a sage-green, knee-length, chino skirt? I spilled dishwasher soap on mine about five years ago, and it left a bleached-out spot, and I've been looking for a replacement ever since. (Just kidding.)