I've been feeling major emotional exhaustion since the flurry of intense posts last week (and even the week before . . . dating back to the Minefield poem). It feels like I haven't posted in ages, but I guess I really just skipped two days.
I had another interesting experience Sunday, akin to the twisted knee incident on Good Friday.
Let me start by saying that I don't wear heels anymore. I wear mostly clogs or athletic shoes or flat sandals. But this spring, I bought a new outfit, and I got some cute shoes to go with it. They have heels, low heels, but still heels. I wore them on Easter. All day.
That night, shortly before bed, I began having spasms in my left hip. They continued the next morning. I was pretty sure it was related to my sciatica, aggravated by standing around on Sunday in heels (short as they are).
Yet, as I sat writing in my journal Monday morning, the pain in my hip reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.
Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, ‘Let me go, for the day is breaking.’ But Jacob said, ‘I will not let you go, unless you bless me.’ So he said to him, ‘What is your name?’ And he said, ‘Jacob.’ Then the man said, ‘You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed.’ Then Jacob asked him, ‘Please tell me your name.’ But he said, ‘Why is it that you ask my name?’ And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.’ The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.
I've always sort of identified with Jacob in this story. All my life people have said variations of the following statements to me: You think too much. Lighten up a little. Why are you so emotional? Don't take everything so seriously. Just get over it.
The thing is statements like that always sound to me like, "Why can't you be someone else?" If I could process things differently, if I could work through my issues more quickly, I would.
Sometimes I guilt myself about being so intense or still being wounded. But remembering the story of Jacob helped with that. It felt as though God was telling me that it's all right if I'm the kind of person who has to wrestle with him to get my blessing. He's going to bless me all the same.