I've been feeling major emotional exhaustion since the flurry of intense posts last week (and even the week before . . . dating back to the Minefield poem). It feels like I haven't posted in ages, but I guess I really just skipped two days.
I had another interesting experience Sunday, akin to the twisted knee incident on Good Friday.
Let me start by saying that I don't wear heels anymore. I wear mostly clogs or athletic shoes or flat sandals. But this spring, I bought a new outfit, and I got some cute shoes to go with it. They have heels, low heels, but still heels. I wore them on Easter. All day.
That night, shortly before bed, I began having spasms in my left hip. They continued the next morning. I was pretty sure it was related to my sciatica, aggravated by standing around on Sunday in heels (short as they are).
Yet, as I sat writing in my journal Monday morning, the pain in my hip reminded me of the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.
Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, ‘Let me go, for the day is breaking.’ But Jacob said, ‘I will not let you go, unless you bless me.’ So he said to him, ‘What is your name?’ And he said, ‘Jacob.’ Then the man said, ‘You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed.’ Then Jacob asked him, ‘Please tell me your name.’ But he said, ‘Why is it that you ask my name?’ And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.’ The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.
I've always sort of identified with Jacob in this story. All my life people have said variations of the following statements to me: You think too much. Lighten up a little. Why are you so emotional? Don't take everything so seriously. Just get over it.
The thing is statements like that always sound to me like, "Why can't you be someone else?" If I could process things differently, if I could work through my issues more quickly, I would.
Sometimes I guilt myself about being so intense or still being wounded. But remembering the story of Jacob helped with that. It felt as though God was telling me that it's all right if I'm the kind of person who has to wrestle with him to get my blessing. He's going to bless me all the same.
17 comments:
Oh, oh, Ruth. When one is a child and has all kinds of very personal criticism directed at you, then suddenly when you are an adult and people who just have criticized you severely say, "Don't take this personally! What is wrong with you?" of course there is a huge disconnect.
What else are you to do? As a child criticism is life or death, or, life and death. Certainly you (or anyone else) will carry it with you into adulthood. Of course that is who you are.
God knows all of this and you bet God will bless you all the same.
Ruth ~ At our core, we are who we are for a reason.
Love the shoes, but it's amazing how hard those soles are. I personally need more cushioning :-)
High Heels. The devil's spawn. Have not owned a pair for 30 years now.
I have thought for years the women of the 70's had it all wrong. Instead of burning bras they should have burned stiletto pumps.
In the name of cultural ideals of "feminine beauty" one of the top players are shoes that hurt your feet, cause horrible foot disfigurement later in life, and subjugate. (Very hard to run from an attacker when you are wearing them, and they are not.)
Yet women continue to jam their feet in these things, and even say "I like how they make me look" and know they attract men.
Blech.
I love the reference to Jacob's wresting and I agree, God is going to bless you all the same.
After fifty-three years I have almost figured out that when people say "Why are you so X" (or why AREN'T you)it generally says a lot more about their own stuff than it does about me. And yes, as you know, God has made you YOU for all sorts of good reasons.
And wow, those heels would be high for me, too! I hope you're feeling better.
Hi Ruth, I popped over here from mauigirl's blog and then bookmarked you. I've been reading through your posts and can empathise with a lot of what you say. I'm an oft-rejected wannabe writer and a Christian, and, in fact, I'm speaking in prison on Sunday and I might use some of the John Donohue words, if you don't mind.
I read 'athletic shoes' as electric shoes and I thought, Woah! How cool would electric shoes be!
I love the little heels... the shoes are cute but I'm the same. gottbe be low or no heels... Luckily I'm 5'6" So I manage in flatties ok.
Good post- I'm kind of the opposite in that I'm rarely emotional and my friends give me a hard time about it too. In a nice way however. Well sort of nice, my nickname at times is "the icy bitch". Ha We are who we are. I can't make myself cry or feel a certain way when they think I should. Sometimes I wish I were different too, but what would the world be like if we were all alike? Acting or being who we are not is like wearing those shoes, after awhile it hurts us.
I "am" clogs and running shoes. I'm not 'heels' or fashionable. I am what I am.
Greetings. I found you through Laure.
Your post resonates with me. I, too, am learning that He likes me for me, yet won't let me stay where I am until He makes me just like He is...the limping can be very painful sometimes, particularly when I keep bashing my elbows and bruising my knees!
My key is to take my eyes off me and put them on Him...and Him in me!
Have a great day.
daune
You always have to be who YOU are and make progress towards the healing and changes YOU desire.
I sure understand the clogs, etc. I have plantar fascitis and heel spurs!
Feel better!
Hope the pain is gone or at least lessening.
Like you, I wear clogs or comfortable shoes. A friend once told me I wasn't old enough to wear "comfortable" shoes, but I have not listened to her.
You are you and you are a blessing.
Hi Ruth, happy Easter season! I've just caught up on the very rich and significant inner journey you are sharing here with us, and wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it. It appears that God is moving in you in strong ways as you continue the Artist's Way. I feel enriched. Blessings on you...and I still think of you with each rose I see.
You gotta try Tevas! :)
I love the last line of this post.
There is a term called gaslighting, which references being provoked or abused and then told you are too sensitive, can't take anything or imagining things to distort your sense of judgement.
I'm glad you are taking the time you need to heal from this, not trying to rush the process, and realizing others – God and friends – will do the same.
Oh, Ruth...I have wrestled a lot of angels in my lifetime and they have probably wrestled with me and I am here to say that, for some reason, I still get blessed, too. H.m.m.m. Sometimes I think that if I were in our Heavenly Father's shoes I would have hit me with a lightening bolt a long time ago. But..He hasn't yet and have been prospered with the things that really matter.
I'm glad that I know a fellow angel-wrestler.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
We must be SO much alike, Ruth. I couldv'e written this post. How about - "the unexamined life is not worth living"? thoughtful, insightful people are not necessarily party poopers - we just like to reflect on the things God has given us.
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