A couple of weeks ago, while I was struggling with the worst of my anxiety over our finances, I was meditating and I received a message from the Lord. It was very long, but part of it was this:
You are listening too much to your fears and not your heart. Your heart knows which way to go.I am holding you in my hand. Have I ever let you go? Have I ever let you plummet to destruction?You ask for signs and wonders and reassurances. I am all the sign you'll ever need. I am God, creator and provider. You keep thinking that if you just figure out the exact course to take, life will suddenly become easy. That is a falsehood. It is one of the biggest lies to ensnare humanity. It causes people to make terrible decisions. Don't fall for it.
Even after hearing this message, I didn't quite get it. For another week or so, I continued to ask for signs that Michael would get more work or that his special project would get financing.
Then while we were on vacation, the lightbulb suddenly went on. I was still looking at externals. What I needed to be working on was my trust in God and in Michael, not obsessively checking my email for unexpected job offers.
So I wrote a prayer to use with my Anglican prayer beads, and since I have been praying it, I feel as though a heavy weight has fallen from my shoulders.
(Quick review: Anglican prayer beads are like rosaries but with a different number of beads. Each set contains a cross and thirty-three beads, which symbolize the years of Jesus' life. There are five large beads and twenty-eight small beads, divided into four "weeks" of seven. Four of the large beads are used to separate the weeks. These are called cruciforms because they can be seen as standing for the four arms of the cross. The other large bead is next to the cross. It is called the invitatory. As you pray, for each "week" you pray that assigned prayer seven times, and then you pray the cruciform prayer once, and then a week, etc. People generally do the circle once or three times.)
Crucifix: In the Name of the Living God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Invitatory: Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to
accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine,
to him be glory.
Cruciform: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Weeks: Lord, grant me a peaceful spirit and stronger faith in you.
End with the Lord's Prayer.