Friday, I briefly went back to my alma mater, Wheaton College, one of the all-time bastions of evangelicalism. Since I no longer think of myself as an evangelical, it's not a visit I make very often, even though my sister-in-law lives a mere 5 minutes from the campus.
The reason I went was to see an art exhibit at the Billy Graham center there. The drawings were astonishing. If any of you live in or plan to visit the Chicago area by February, I'd recommend seeing this one.
Being back on campus always feels a little odd to me. Walking up the lawn to Blanchard Hall, I can't help but think about the young woman I was 30 years ago. And here is the honest-to-God truth. If I'd had a crystal ball at the age of 21 and could have seen a vision of the person I am now, I would have been horrified. I would have gone down on my knees and begged God to spare me from such a future.
My plan for my life was to teach high school English, to marry an evangelical man (although one who was more liberal than most), to have three children, to stay at home with those children until the youngest started school, and maybe if I was very lucky to publish a novel.
I taught high school for only one year and left the profession.
I married a divorced Catholic.
We have no children. Wanted them but couldn't have them.
I have been in the workforce for 30 years with no end in sight.
I've written three novels but not published any of them.
I've started to study art, which was so far off my radar that it never even occurred to me as a possibility.
I would not have ever believed that I would make the risky decision to live with both myself and my husband working as freelancers.
But the part that would have distressed me the most is that I've been though four denominations: Baptist, Mennonite, Catholic, and now Episcopalian (which I hope will be my stopping place). Had I foreseen this, I would have labeled myself a backslider and someone who'd been corrupted by the world. I would have begged God to keep me on the straight and narrow.
And yet, obviously, I don't think of myself that way now or I wouldn't be living the life I live.
The point I'm trying to make is that I would have refused my future because I had no way of knowing the unpredictable path God would lead me along or the way I would change and grow along the way.
Sometimes I think that's exactly why God doesn't let us know what's coming too far ahead of time. There is a very real danger that we would refuse his work in our lives because we think we know where we're supposed to be going.
It was good for me to be reminded of that. Especially now with the job and income uncertainty we're experiencing. We never know what is going to be beyond the next curve in the road.
And if my past and present are any indication, it will probably be much different than anything I can predict.
26 comments:
Thank you Ruth. That's a good reminder for me today as well.
that was a brilliant post! and oh how i could relate....if you had stayed with the life you thought best for you - imagine all you would have missed! sometimes i wonder how anyone can stay with one path from the very beginning...
so from one backslider to another,
imagine the delights that await us in our future :)
Thank the good Lord that we continue to "grow up" our entire lives.
Not long ago, a friend of mine asked me, "Doxy, I bet you had all kinds of plans for your life when you got ready to leave home. How many of them worked out?"
And I had to admit...none.
Not a single thing that I planned to do when I was 18 has turned out. Failed marriages. Totally different career path. Two children when I really thought I wouldn't go that route. Etc.
And my life now is, in a word...blissful. Rich in love. Meaningful in work. Graced with faith and friendships.
Thanks for giving me an opportunity to express my gratitude that none of my Big Plans came about!
Cheers,
Doxy
I, too, have lived a different path than I imagined. Courage to you in the unfolding journey.
John Lennon was right. Life is what happens while we're making other plans.
~*
A wise reminder to allow God to be our compass rather than thinking we can direct God.
It is a VERY good thing we can't get a glimpse into our own futures! You can't predict what will happen, and perhaps more importantly, you can't predict how you'll feel about it at the time it happens.
It's bad enough trying not to judge our past selves, without having to deal with our future selves as well!
Well, some things I had hoped to accomplish have happened. Marry a wonderful man and have a "happily ever after," have sons, get published, earn a college degree... but I'm not much of a planner, and these things did not come about in the way I would have expected. Probably wouldn't have come about if I'd tried to make them. Interesting thought. (Oh, and your comment made ME smile, because ironically, I am not much for inviting people to church myself. Ever since my childhood when I was "benevolently bribed" at VBS to bring kids to earn a prize - kind of turned me off. I was kind of trying to show in the story that building a relationship with someone comes first. Sort of lifestyle evangelism).
Oh Ruth, you know from reading Coexist how much I relate to this.I still ponder the changes in me and wonder if any of them were for the better - but God is still with me so I shouldn't doubt. (I even wanted to go to Wheaton at one time!) I have to believe we're on the right path - the real one.
Oops, I meant to continue, "And then a friend invited me to a neighborhood Bible study for women and I love it so much. I'm glad she invited me."
much different here as well, and had I known at 18, like you, I would have been horrified....
but here we are.
and God is good.
Wow! You were Mennonite, too! Just look at the experiences you had! A full, vigorous, and loving life!
You are such an amazing woman, who has been on a very interesting journey. Thank you so much for sharing it all with us!!
Ruth,
This is refreshing.. i think you could even submit this writing to the Wheaton Alum magazine .. Recall Dr. B.Batson? Dr. Batson's joy was what she shared, even when teaching Shakespeare's soliloquies. I see that joy in your being a human, ( ah, the paradox)..
Thank you for that gift of sharing this richly, in your art and writing. Happy 'Autumning'.=-)
It's so true that we never know what's going to be beyond the next curve in the road -- and that's often for the best!
Oh yes..me too!!! I never would have thought I'd be religious let alone ordained as an Episcopal priest (a denomination I never heard of when growing up)...and certainly if I had thought that GOd had any intentions of THIS I would have steered far and wide. Yep...
good post.
Ruth, do NOT send this to the Wheaton Alum magazine as the evangelicals continue to lie in wait! (jk)
This really resonates with me too. At 18 I couldn't have imagined some of the twists and turns of this journey.
How boring our lives would be if they were so predictable eh?
Ruth,
this was such a beautiful and brave post about reflection. It is strange to visit places that bring that young girl out in us and the dreams of our future. And then to reflect on the course of our life, if given to God we are then led my a bigger Dreamer. And the two collide somewhere and in our hearts, we truly understand that our existence and our purpose has a divine quality to it, that without it- it all would be meaningless.
Wow, you're life did turn out different than you had planned at age 20, but you know, you planned it at age 20 with the mind of a 20 year old. You are now older and wiser and you lived the life that God laid out before you. You have touched lives and you are important in peoples lives. You questioned religion and tried different ones, but you have come to a peace about where you are now after your journey. I think you are doing awesome!
Hugs, Sharon
I always wonder what people who are planners feel about their lives as things either do or don't pan out. Thank you for the insight into yours. As you can guess from my comment, I'm not much of a planner -- at least not that far in advance.
Wow, AMEN to that one, Sister. When I was young, I said that I never wanted to put a man through school (too much stress, not enough time together), and a million other won'ts and don'ts. Ha! As soon as my husband and I became engaged, he decided to go back to school and complete his degree, in his mid-forties! A lot of the things I begged the Lord not to give me were given. I can only assume, then, that He gave them only because He knew that I could handle them, or would seek to handle them with His help...I'm glad I can't see the future.
You are a gifted artist and writer. I still think you will continue to earn a living using your gifts and abilities. I know these are hard economic times, but some of our greatest modern writers honed their craft during the Great Depression.
You spiritually seem like a seeker of Truth. So, I don't think it's funny that you've attended different churches. Do you know what I began when I was only 13? I opened a Compton's Encyclopedia, looked up Christian Denominations and resolved to study/visit each one until I found the truth. It took A LOT OF TIME, but I did that. My parents and friends thought I was eccentric, I just see it as seeking after God, don't you?
Whew, this is an epistle. I want to go check out the posts I've missed now.
Elizabeth
Even tho it has been some time since I've been visiting Ruth I love when I do...like a shot of clean cold air...your honesty in posting. BTW...I love COLD crisp air...grin! Love your sincerety and yep.....not ever how we planned. Good thing though eh? I mean ...remember..."when as a child I spake as a child"...right? I think life takes a HUGE turn when we take the understanding of God's word from the pulpit alone....and apply our understanding and conviction to our lives....n'est pas? ...and HE shall direct our paths...
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