This Week's Effort

This is the drawing I've been working on the last few days. I did draw it from life, but it's less realistic and more impressionistic than the assignments I did for class. I like some things about it, and I'm not sure about others. I chose the subject because I think it's going to be a gift (if I can bring myself to part with it after the amount of work I put in), and I thought my friend would like this view. I'm not usually drawn to rustic Americana--I don't dislike it, but it's not something I would draw for my own house.

I think the composition is interesting, and I'm pleased with the way some of the textures came out. (Clicking on it shows more detail.) I like that there is a definite foreground and background, although I think the sense of receding into the distance could be even stronger. Oh, and the proportions on the shed are a little bit off.

Mostly, I'm not sure if I like the fact that this less realistic look. I chose to do it that way because I had a limited amount of time to work at this particular site, so I knew I wouldn't have time to do anything super realistic because of the time it would take to get all the details and shading. Before I can make a decision, I will probably need to do more like this and also try to do a broader landscape in the more realistic style to see if I can pull it off. At any rate, I think it's good to experiment with styles and subjects right now and not get locked into any one thing too soon.

What do you all think?

Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer True

Last week, Michael did something that I think showed a lot of support for my new interest in art. A few years ago, he was writing a screenplay about an artist, so he took oil painting lessons from a local painter who was trained in the old academy method. (This requires years of drawing from plaster casts and live models to train your eye.)

Anyway, Michael arranged for the two of us to have coffee with S., this artist, so that I could talk to him about my sketches and where to take classes. The man is really exacting, so he wasn't exactly bowled over by my work. S. thinks I have some drawing ability, a decent eye, a decent hand, and a clean style. He does think I have the ability to focus for long periods, which can make a big difference in the ability of an artist to improve.

I felt sort of discouraged right after the discussion, but Michael told me that his experience with S. leads him to think that the assessment of my focus is more of a compliment / encouragement than I realized. Also, after getting over the initial sense of "Oh no, I'm such an amateur," I decided that one other aspect of our conversation was more encouraging than I initially thought. S. suggested that I take lessons at the studio of another academically trained artist he knows (who lives closer to us). I looked up this man's portraits on the web, and he is an incredible painter. Studying with him will help me train my eye, which is what I want. I don't necessarily want to pursue classical realism as my style, but I do want to have the technical skill to pursue whatever style I want. I asked S. point blank if it was worth my time to pursue art instruction, and he answered with an immediate yes. So he did take me seriously, which is worth much more than praising the small amount of progress I've made so far. (And he did notice that I had made progress in the second class project I completed.)

Unfortunately, I have been swamped with work the last two weeks (no new jobs, just tight deadlines on the current assignment), so I have hardly done any sketching at all. Today, I finally managed to get a chunk of three hours, and this was what I did with it. There are flaws in the shape of the glass . . . but I've never even attempted to draw something within a glass before, so I'm not too unhappy with it. And I like the daisies.

I guess I'll keep pursuing this dream of mine after all.  :-)

a big pick-me-up

First, I want to thank you all for your prayers and supportive comments. My anxiety has been much less troublesome the last few days, and I'm sure that your intercessions on my behalf are a large reason for that. Our situation hasn't changed yet, but I seem to be handling it better. Continued prayers would be welcome.

Second, I have some really exciting news . . . exciting for me, at least. I've just had a poem accepted for publication: "Dysrhythmia," which I published on this blog in May under the title "For My Brother."  I haven't had a poem published in something like 20 years because I had completely stopped writing poetry, let alone submitting it to journals. There's no money involved, but it feels like such a confirmation that I should keep pursuing my personal creativity even if times are tight.

I'm really pumped up. I hope I can concentrate on my work.

anxiety

I've been fighting a lot of anxiety lately, and I've hesitated to post about it because I'm not sure how to explain it. But I'm going to give it try because I would like to ask for prayers.

For about five months (last November through March), I juggled multiple jobs because I was trying to get some money in savings. We'd had a year that was financially tight, and I was hoping to get ahead a little bit.

Because of my childhood and issues in my family, it's very easy for me to take on the workhorse role and to carry too much responsibility. Michael didn't want me to work myself so hard last winter, but I felt that I couldn't turn down work that came my way unsolicited. So I did it and ended up being really exhausted..

But this summer, I've been sensing that God wants something different from me. I began to believe that I needed to stop feeling like I was personally responsible to make everything work out. Instead, I should work a more reasonable schedule so that I could pursue this renewed interest in art.

Then the other shoe dropped. We found out recently that Michael's current freelance job is ending months earlier than we expected.

My reaction has been a lot of worry and anxiety. I'm afraid that if he can't find more work soon, I will have to go back into workhorse mode and work extra . . . if I can. (Sometimes, I have an easier time finding jobs because I have more experience.)

Anyway, now I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to break my old "workhorse" pattern after all and that I'll have to go back to trying to do multiple jobs. Or I'm scared that we're going to have another hard year next year after having only one relatively good one. I'm afraid of having to give up my plan to continue art classes. I'm afraid of going deeper into debt.

Much of the extra money I earned over the winter has had to go for unexpected expenses, so in spite of all that effort, we don't have much of a cushion. I feel frustrated about that too.

I'm trying to heed Matthew 6:34:

So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

But I'm having a difficult time controlling my fears. I really need to stop assuming that the worst is going to happen. Michael hasn't even started to look for more jobs yet because (a) he still has work for a while yet and (b) we're going to be gone for a week, and we decided to wait till we got back. So we really don't know what's out there at this point.

Anyway, I would appreciate prayers: First, I would like some relief from my anxiety. I need to stay grounded in the present, not worry about possible debt that is still several months in the future. Second, I would appreciate prayers that Michael finds more work shortly after he starts looking again.

Alternatively, there is an independent project he's trying to put together that would be an incredible opportunity for him. I can't explain it here for legal reasons, but if it came through, it could make a huge difference to us in a lot of ways. It's still really iffy and could completely fall through, so I can't pin any hopes on it. But if you could pray for it too, that would be great.

Eternal Flame

In a rocky cleft

beneath the willows,

burns a quavering blue flame

that I alone must tend,

arcing my body into a canopy

when the rain pelts

or smothering snow falls.

In all weathers I must feed the fire

scraps of paper, broken pencils,

and fingernails torn as I scratch and claw

through the bricklike clay of my spirit,

hardened by years of rejection,

yet fertile still when gently watered.

Dig through unyielding earth for

wood chips, abandoned cardboard,

any and all refuse

that might feed this insatiable muse,

my burden,

my calling,

my obedience.

It's Done . . .

Well, it's done until Priscilla (my instructor) sees it and tells me what else I need to do.

I might as well have waited three days to post the finished work instead of doing the partial the other day . . . except that I wasn't sure how long it would take.

I calculate that there are about 20 hours in this drawing. At this rate, I'm not sure I would ever be able to afford selling my work. 

I like the color contrast between the bricks and the leaves. Priscilla was the one who suggested not doing "sky" or taking it all the way to the bottom. I like it as a vignette. How about you?

The Last Four Weeks . . .

This is what I've been working on for my colored-pencil class. It's still not done. The orb and plant are on top of a brick pillar. I won't show much of that--just one row of bricks and the top concrete slab. But I couldn't wait to post what I've been doing.

So far, it's taken about 16 hours of work. (As usual, clicking on it makes it bigger and shows detail.)

If you build it, they will come . . .

Michael and I don't take the local paper, so I tend to be a little slow hearing about what's happening around town. (We take a Chicago paper, not the suburban one.)

So even though this was announced in February, I didn't find out until Saturday that something really exciting is happening in my town. Kevin Costner is starting up a new minor league baseball team, here in Zion. A new stadium is being built about two miles from my house. The team will be called the Lake County Fielders.

Check out this cool logo.

Michael and I have been baseball fans since childhood (we bleed Cubby blue), but it's a long schlep down to Chicago, and prices are so high (parking, tickets, food). Now, starting next summer, we can go hang out at a ballgame without taking out a second mortgage or giving up a whole day for the outing.

Not to mention what an economic boost this will be for our town!

I've never been that fond of Kevin Costner. Suddenly, he's moved way up on my list of cool actors. LOL

More Ruth, Less Constantine

My second effort at a self-portrait. I like this one better. Still no smile (it's hard to smile convincingly at yourself in a mirror), but the look is less stern.

Books, Let's Talk Books

I've been reading as well as sketching, and I keep meaning to tell you about the books I've finished since I wrote about the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. There is now a list of six of them, so I'd better post at least cursory reviews.

My former manager recommended the novel Revolutionary Road, which was recently made into a movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. I really enjoyed this book, although it's not a happy story. The novel tells the story of a disaffected couple during the 1950s. They hate the materialistic, smug culture of the time and see themselves as special and apart from their suburban neighbors, but their lives do not bear out their self-image. Their delusions about themselves and the lack of honesty in their marriage lead step by step to disaster. Even though it is about a different period, I think it still has a lot to say about our culture.

I read several mysteries. As I've mentioned before, I love both Donna Leon's Guido Brunetti series, set in Venice, and Elizabeth George's Thomas Lynley series, set in England. In The Girl of His Dreams, Commisario Brunetti investigates the death of a gypsy girl and finds him coming up against some typically Venetian institutional obstacles.

In Careless in Red (Inspector Lynley), Thomas Lynley is grieving for his wife, murdered in the last novel, so he is hiking the Cornwall coast to get away from everyone. When he comes upon a body at the base of a cliff, he is drawn into the investigation and discovers more than one mystery in the surfing town where the murder took place.

A couple of months ago, I had a thread about mysteries and some of you recommended Julia Spencer-Fleming's mysteries about Episcopal priest Clare Fergusson. Well, I bought the first one in the series, In the Bleak Midwinter, and I really liked it. The main character is complex and has some unexpected aspects to her, not least of which is her attraction to the married chief of police. I'm definitely going to keep reading this series.

I also read one spy novel: Secret Asset (Vintage Crime/Black Lizard). The author, Stella Rimington, was once director of MI5, so her novels have a great feeling of authenticity. I like that the protagonist is a woman, Liz Carlisle, and not a James Bond clone.

Finally, I've read Susan Vreeland's novel Luncheon of the Boating Party. It is a fictional account of how Renoir painted his masterpiece, but it is very well-researched and I've learned a lot from reading it. It's written in an engaging, readable style. For me, the best part is getting inside the head of a painter.

So that's the list of books I've read since the last time I posted a review. I'm up to 17 books this year. Not as impressive as people who read a book or more a week, but still not too shabby.

A Bust of a Self-Portrait

I hate being a beginner at anything. Ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to prove that I sort of intuitively grasp everything I need to know. (I could posit theories for this tendency based on the dynamics of my family of origin, but I'm just not in the mood to go into all that right now.) The main thing you need to know is that I'm always fighting against the habit of perfectionism.

Anyway, I did this self-portrait last night, the first that I've drawn in about ten years. And while I like some aspects of it, seeing the uneven size of the eyes and the odd weight to the jawline on the left just makes me crazy. Part of me wants to crumple it up and start over. I decided to post it instead even with what I see as its major flaws—as a discipline for myself, an exercise in humility and a way to remind myself publicly that I am a 50-year-old beginner. I'm not some prodigy sprung full-formed like Athena from the head of Zeus.

Speaking of classical allusions, the other thing I see when I look at the self-portrait with its overly big eyes and stern expression is echoes of the bust of the emperor Constantine. Funny resemblance, isn't it?