Canna Lily

This is the drawing I've been working on the last two weeks. I wanted to continue practicing even though I'm between classes. The colors are a little washed out compared to the original. I'm still struggling with how to photograph my sketches.

Clicking on it makes it bigger.

GoD and DoG

I know some of you have seen this because you posted it on your blogs. But this simple little song has really touched my heart and stayed with me the last week. I've memorized it, and I sing it to Smokey.

I hope you enjoy it.

What We're Hoping For

In July, I wrote that I was having a lot of anxiety because Michael's freelance job was ending earlier than we anticipated. I asked for prayers that he'd find more work, and I also mentioned that he was trying to put together a personal project that would change our situation dramatically.

The other day, I asked Michael if I could talk about his personal project on the blog and he said yes.

Michael is trying to get enough financing and talent to direct and produce his first independent feature film. (!)

He has a masters in film and video; his masters' thesis is a 20-minute film that has received honorable mentions in film festivals around the world (Australia, Ireland, Spain to name a few countries).

A few years ago, he wrote a screenplay called Overture. It's about Aaron, an exceptionally talented young music student. Throughout his childhood, he was taught by his overbearing mother, a former concert pianist. To keep him from becoming too independent, she was overly critical, with the consequence that he developed stage fright.

To break free of her control, Aaron goes to a competitive music school and majors in composition. He develops relationships with his roommate and a (female) student advisor. Then he discovers that for one of his classes, he has to perform an original composition in public. His friends try to help him conquer his stage fright. At the same, a romantic triangle develops among Aaron, his roommate, and the advisor, which results in betrayal and further conflict. Aaron has to learn to overcome his fear and stand up for himself in a couple of different situations.

The script won a screenwriting competition in 2005, and Michael tried for a while to sell it but without success. So now he's trying to make it himself.

Michael's lawyer, Linda Mensch, is considered one of the top entertainment lawyers in the country. A producer named John Yaworsky has signed onto the project. John has produced other independent films. One of them is Alleyball, a sweet comedy shot here in the Chicago area. John also has a lot of contacts in the Chicago theatre scene.

Michael met a composer whose work he liked, and the man has already composed some of the piano pieces that would be Aaron's original compositions in the story (on spec because he loves the project). In addition, Michael is a graduate of Lake Forest college here in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Lake Forest is very interested in having the film shot there. It would be a fabulous location, and it would be a win-win situation for the film and the college, which would gain prestige from the project. (For pictures of where Michael wants to shoot, go here and click on each of the albums)

In addition, a second producer has been working on the project, but this producer hasn't signed a legal agreement yet, so I can't mention his name. However, I can say that he is very well connected and has raised financing for other films.

The team had a big meeting this week, and the next steps are to try to get some name actors or a name cinematographer to agree to be part of the project. (A couple of well-known actors have copies of the script.) Once they have some name talent, then the producers can start working their contacts to try to raise the money. (Some investors have expressed cautious interest, but they want to know that the project is on a more secure footing before they make a commitment. Getting name talent will help accomplish that.)

As this summary should indicate, a lot has already happened with the project, but we are still a very long way from this film getting off the ground. They need to raise 1.5 million to fund the project. So . . . I try not to put too much hope in this coming through, but it's hard.

Michael has been working a long, long time to try to get somewhere with his film career. This is the furthest he's ever advanced with one of his projects. I so much want him to be able to use his tremendous talent.

If they get the financing for the film, it will make a huge difference in our lives. Michael will finally be doing the work he's longed to do since he was a boy. He'll earn enough salary to replace his freelance income for a significant period. And we will be reimbursed for the substantial amount of legal fees we've had to pay out of our own pocket to create the limited liability corporation you need to do a film.

Not only that, if the film finds a distributor and makes a profit, Michael will earn a percentage of that profit. Depending on how much the film earned, it could be a little . . . or a lot. Plus, getting a film made will automatically increase Michael's opportunities to sell other screenplays or raise the money to make other films. It opens up the door to other types of writing jobs or potentially even jobs teaching film.

It's really hard for me not to pester God about making this happen. Like a child, I want to say, "Please, please, please, please, please." It could be that the freelance work is slowing down so Michael has time and energy to devote to this. Or it could turn out that the two have nothing to do with each other.

Anyway, the hopes and uncertainties and elations and disappointments connected with this venture are just another source of stress for us. Any prayers you might care to offer--either for our emotional stability or for the project itself--would be greatly appreciated.

The Poet I'm Reading Now . . .

is Chinese-American poet Li-Young Lee. He has a fascinating story (clicking on his name will take you to Wikipedia), and he writes beautiful poems. Here is one I love, from the book Rose (New Poets of America).

Braiding

1.
We two sit on our bed, you
between my legs, your back to me, your head
slightly bowed, that I may brush and braid
your hair. My father
did this for my mother,
just as I do for you. One hand
holds the hem of you hair, the other
works the brush. Both hands climb
as the strokes grow
longer, until I use not only my wrists,
but my arms, then my shoulders, my whole body
rocking in a rower's rhythm, a lover's
even time, as the tangles are undone,
and brush and bare hand run the thick,
fluent length of your hair, whose wintry scent
comes, a faint, human musk.

2.
Last night the room was so cold
I dreamed we were in Pittsburgh again, where winter
persisted and we fell asleep in the last seat
of the 71 Negley, dark mornings going to work.
How I wish we didn't hate those years
while we lived them.
Those were days of books,
days of silences stacked high
as the ceiling of that great, dim hall
where we studied. I remember
the thick, oak tabletops, how cool
they felt against my face
when I lay my head down and slept.

3.
How long your hair has grown.

Gradually, December.

4.
There will come a day
one of us will have to imagine this: you,
after your bath, crosslegged on the bed, sleepy, patient,
while I braid your hair.

5.
Here, what's made, these braids, unmakes
itself in time, and must be made
again, within and against
time. So I braid
your hair each day.
My fingers gather, measure hair,
hook, pull and twist hair and hair.
Deft, quick, they plait,
weave, articulate lock and lock, to make
and make these braids, which point
the direction of my going, of all our continuous going.
And though what's made does not abide,
my making is steadfast, and, besides, there is a making
of which this making-in-time is just a part,
a making which abides
beyond the hands which rise in the combing,
the hands which fall in the braiding,
trailing hair in each stage of its unbraiding.

6.
Love, how the hours accumulate. Uncountable.
The trees grow tall, some people walk away
and diminish forever.
The damp pewter days slip around without warning
and we cross over one year and one year.

Li-Young Lee

Taking the Next Step

Remember these?

I had them framed so I could (a) hang them in my house and (b) submit them to the student art exhibition at the Chicago Botanic Garden. I just found out yesterday that they have been juried into the show.

Yesterday, I also met with an artist named Richard Halstead. He's quite a well-known portrait artist, whose work is hanging in the National Portrait Galllery in Washington, D.C. He teaches classes in his studio about 35 miles from here. The artist I met in July suggested I look into taking lessons with him, so I went to see him and showed him some of my work. He was very encouraging and thinks that I am ready to enroll in his classes. (I wanted to know if I needed to brush up on my basic drawing first.) So starting September 12, I will be taking a nude figure class with him. Since I'm still such a beginner, he suggested that we modify the class a bit, so for the first term, I won't be drawing the whole model but will work on more manageable projects like a facial portrait.

I am so psyched.

P.S. Just to let you all know, I'm trying to catch up on reading your blogs. My schedule has been crazy here. I'll get to you all eventually. I promise.

Of Providence, Stewardship, Overwork, and Balance

Have any of you ever tried to change the habit of a lifetime and found it a more daunting task than you expected? That's what I'm going through now.

I've had an interesting example of God's providence recently. We decided to go on our vacation as planned even though our financial situation has grown more uncertain. When we first made that decision, I said that I thought we needed to be more frugal. I advocated for us to eat out only four times during the week we were in Door County, so that we could spend less than what we'd budgeted. (We were staying in a cottage, so we'd be able to cook.) Michael was disappointed--in truth, so was I--but it was one way to deal with my anxieties.

However, by the time we left for vacation, I realized how much we needed a break, and I relaxed my role of "financial enforcer." We ended up eating out once a day, a rate we were both happy with. We also had to buy some things we hadn't planned on because we were so tired when we packed that we forgot things. (For instance, Michael forgot to pack a single T-shirt.) Anyway, we ended up spending almost exactly what our original budget was. I'd been hoping that we would save enough on the vacation budget to pay for a repair we need to have done, but we didn't, and I tried not to worry about it.

We came home and less than a week later, I received a call about a small writing job. The company that called me is one that I sent my resume to . . . twice . . . and for whom I'd filled out an extensive writing/editing test. They never hired me, and I couldn't figure it out. After three years of no interest from them, I'd given up. Well, that's who called me. I worked for them for four days (squeezing that in on top of the full-time job I'm doing) . . . and I earned exactly the same amount I had been hoping we would trim off our vacation budget.

So you would think, wouldn't you, that I would take that as yet another sign that God provides exactly what we need when we need it. On one level I did. But on another, deeper, more insidious level, I drew exactly the wrong conclusion. "See, Ruth, you need to work, work, work. Forget all this artsy, fartsy stuff. You're a workhorse. Accept it."

Old programming. It's so hard to break its power. Wednesday night, I told Michael about the internal struggle I was having, and he reminded me that I should NOT be carrying all the responsibility and that it's a good thing for me to pursue my art. (After all, using the gifts God gives us is just good stewardship. I know it, but I still get caught in the old ruts.) I went to sleep feeling conflicted. And that night I had a very disturbing dream.

I was working extra hours, very hard. A woman who looked somewhat like me came to talk to me about something unrelated to work, and I was really annoyed that she would bother me when I was so busy. So I killed her and stuffed her body in a bag and hid it in a room like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter. (For those of you who don't know what that is, it's sort of like a magic room that meets your needs, and in one iteration, it becomes a massive storage room for things that people want to hide.) I told Michael what I'd done, and he said that while he could not condone my actions, he had felt similar emotions to mine and he understood where I was coming from.

He told me that we needed to get rid of the body so I wouldn't get sent to jail. But I couldn't remember where it was. As we searched for it, two of my brothers entered the room. I found a blue bowling bag that held the head of the person I'd killed, and as I was struggling to zip the bag shut again, one brother tried to help me (we both pretended that he hadn't see what was in the bag). The other brother said, "That smells bad. That smells REALLY bad." And he vomited.

That's when I woke up. I knew right away what the dream was about. It was warning me that if I continued to work really hard and neglect my art because I was "so, so busy" that I would kill part of myself. Interestingly, the two brothers who appeared in the dream have their own issues of repression / lack of fulfillment. The one who got sick in the dream is the sibling who is most emotionally stunted by our family's dysfunctional patterns.

I take my dreams very seriously, especially when they try so hard to warn me about something I'm doing. (I once told the psychologist I was seeing that my dreams and my poems never lie. He liked that saying so much that he started quoting it to other clients.) Since having the dream, I'm trying to ignore the old tapes that tell me to work as many extra hours as I can and to stop drawing. I'm trying to figure out a manageable balance.

If I decided to go by my old patterns, by the defense mechanisms I developed growing up, then I would work till I dropped to stockpile money for when Michael's job runs out. But my intuition and the sense I get when I pray is that I should work a "normal" amount and spend time every week (and possibly every day) learning to be a better artist. And I should trust that God will provide for us . . . whether that's by more work for Michael or some other way.

I don't know exactly what the right balance is going to be. I rather suspect that I'll discover there is no perfect formula. Finding balance will be something I have to negotiate every single day. I know what it feels like when I swing too far to the overwork side. It's not pretty. But it seems as though I'm hard-wired to err in that direction. Thank heavens that God keeps working to bring me back to a healthier balance. Without him, I think I would have imploded a long time ago. With his guidance, I keep doing that old shuffle on the path of change: two steps forward, one step back.

It's slow, but it's still progress. I guess I can live with that.

So elemental

I love cooking with food that I've grown. It makes me feel so connected to . . . not the earth, exactly, but something more global. Maybe life itself.

Thursday, I made chicken and zucchini with a lemon sauce. I sort of made it up as I went along. I browned chicken chunks and then simmered it in a can of chicken broth, 3/4 a cup of white wine, and the juice of a lemon. I sauted chunks of zucchini and chopped onion. When the chicken was close to being cooked, I added the zuccini and a jar of capers, and then added corn starch to thicken the sauce. We ate it over whole wheat rotini. Yum.

Today, we ate the last of the chicken and zucchini along with another fresh vegetable side dish. I went out and pick carrots and golden beets. I cooked them separately (because beets take longer), and then I stirred butter and orange marmalade on them. Simple but good.

This week, we're going to combine tomatoes, lightly sauted yellow squash, and cucumbers (all from the garden) in a light marinade of balsamic vinaigrette. We'll use this to make wraps with ground turkey, and add whatever we want of the following: lettuce, kalamata olives, and shredded cheese. I'm really looking forward to suppers the next few days.

Oh, and I have two loaves of zucchini bread in the oven, and they are starting to smell really good.

Hungry yet? LOL

Looking in the Wrong Direction

A couple of weeks ago, while I was struggling with the worst of my anxiety over our finances, I was meditating and I received a message from the Lord. It was very long, but part of it was this: 

You are listening too much to your fears and not your heart. Your heart knows which way to go.

I am holding you in my hand. Have I ever let you go? Have I ever let you plummet to destruction?

You ask for signs and wonders and reassurances. I am all the sign you'll ever need. I am God, creator and provider. You keep thinking that if you just figure out the exact course to take, life will suddenly become easy. That is a falsehood. It is one of the biggest lies to ensnare humanity. It causes people to make terrible decisions. Don't fall for it.

Even after hearing this message, I didn't quite get it. For another week or so, I continued to ask for signs that Michael would get more work or that his special project would get financing.

Then while we were on vacation, the lightbulb suddenly went on. I was still looking at externals. What I needed to be working on was my trust in God and in Michael, not obsessively checking my email for unexpected job offers.

So I wrote a prayer to use with my Anglican prayer beads, and since I have been praying it, I feel as though a heavy weight has fallen from my shoulders. 

(Quick review: Anglican prayer beads are like rosaries but with a different number of beads. Each set contains a cross and thirty-three beads, which symbolize the years of Jesus' life. There are five large beads and twenty-eight small beads, divided into four "weeks" of seven. Four of the large beads are used to separate the weeks. These are called cruciforms because they can be seen as standing for the four arms of the cross. The other large bead is next to the cross. It is called the invitatory. As you pray, for each "week" you pray that assigned prayer seven times, and then you pray the cruciform prayer once, and then a week, etc. People generally do the circle once or three times.)

Crucifix: In the Name of the Living God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

Invitatory: Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to

accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine,

to him be glory.

Cruciform: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Weeks: Lord, grant me a peaceful spirit and stronger faith in you.

End with the Lord's Prayer.

Turn Your Back, and Look What Happens . . .

Before we left on vacation, I glanced at my garden and I didn't think I had any zucchini. Boy, was I wrong. I now have three of this size. (I didn't even plan to plant zuccini. I was walking at the Botanic Garden one day, and they were giving away seeds, so I said, "Sure, I'll take one." One. Sigh.)

We have several of these flying-saucer shaped yellow squash on two plants. I already sauted one for dinner the other night and gave one to my neighbor.

And I have six tomato vines, all heavily laden like this . . . and Michael hardly eats any tomatoes. What was I thinking?

Not to mention that I have beets and carrots ready to eat. And my green beans, which I planted late on purpose, are now setting blossoms.

I feel as though this is some sort of object lesson that God can provide abundance when we are just looking to get by.

At any rate, we're going to be eating healthfully and spending a lot less on food for the next month or so.

How I Spent my Summer Vacation

Hi. We have been on vacation, which is why I wasn't reading many blogs. Originally, I was going to announce on the blog that we were going away, but then I decided that since I use my full name on the blog, I didn't want to announce on the Internet that the house was empty.

We spent a week in a cottage in Door County, Wisconsin. The picture I posted the other day was drawn on the farm where the cottage was located.

One of the best things we did was to take Smokey hiking in the state parks up there. He loved it. He would eagerly walk ahead of us down the trail, sniffing and looking. He was very skillful at picking out the trails! We kept calling him Natty Bumppo.

We also spent a couple of days doing gallery crawls. A lot of artists work in Door County, so we saw a variety of art and I even got to talk to some artists about my own burgeoning interest. That was fun.

We tried a couple of new-to-us restaurants, and we had the amazing experience of not encountering a disappointing meal. (Not that the food up there is bad, but it's rare not to get one bad experience.)

It was a restful week, and although I had some anxiety, most of the time I was able not to worry about our job situation.

Tomorrow, I have a great deal of work waiting for me. I have deadlines to meet Tuesday and Wednesday. Sigh.

Do you ever wonder if vacations are worth it?

Typical scenery

The goats on the grass roof of Al Johnson's Swedish restaurant.

P.S. The restaurant is a log cabin. Did you know Swedes introduced the log cabin to the Americas?