Status Update

My second blogaversary was a week and a half ago, and I missed it. I was aware of it, but just couldn't think of anything to say.

Since my mother's death, I'm feeling more private about my inner life. I didn't expect that, and I can't explain it. It doesn't make sense to me given the dynamics of our relationship—she was the extra-introverted, stoic Swede, and I was the daughter who fought long and hard for the right to claim and express my emotions.

Anyway, I'm processing lots of issues but I don't want to write about them. And I feel silly posting nothing but garden pix and nude sketches. And I feel guilty because I honestly don't have time to read anyone else's blog right now.

So for the time being, I'm going to leave the blog up and maybe post on occasion. And maybe when my two-job/art-class/plant-the-garden schedule slows down (hopefully this summer), I'll come back to posting if the spirit moves me.

And if I haven't said this lately, I'm grateful to all of you who have read and supported this blog.

homework

This isn't the most exciting post topic, I know, but it is one of the things I'm working on lately. In the last month, I've drawn about 15 hands as self-imposed homework . My goal is to do at least 50, but to keep from going crazy, I took a break and did a quick sketch of Smokey and then started on feet. Eventually, I want to draw at least 50 feet too. I don't know any other way to get comfortable with these two difficult parts of the anatomy.

How Does Her Garden Grow?

My lettuce planter. Someone asked me about slugs last time I posted the lettuce. They aren't a problem because I grow my lettuce on the deck in a self-watering container. Keeps the rabbits out of it too. (Smokey is a different story though. I have to watch the little rascal. He likes to help himself to a lettuce leaf now and then.)

Tomatoes, peppers, and wave petunias are all just beginning the process of hardening off. I'm going to be supplying my neighbor and sister-in-law with plants. I hope the petunias do well. The tray I was using to carry them buckled yesterday, and all 17 plants went tumbling down the basement stairs. I repotted them and I'm hoping for the best.

One of the biggest of the tomatoes--this one is a Chadwick cherry. I'm also growing Brandywine, Stupice, and Kellogg's Breakfast. (Thanks, fiwa!)

Lessons from my Laptop

After having had a three-day weekend for the first time in a long time, I've concluded that I'd be a much healthier person if I took care of myself the way I take care of my laptop.

1. Recharge my battery frequently.
2. If I get too hot, stop what I'm doing and cool off to avoid permanent damage.
3. Clean out the old, unneeded junk to make everything else run better.
4. Get a tune-up at least once a year to catch problems when they're small.
5. Don't give people I don't know access to my private information.
6. If I'm not working or playing, catch up on sleep.

Space for Grieving

Occasionally, I find myself wondering why I'm not feeling more about my mom's death. I do know some of the reasons: She was very ill and tired, and I recognized that it was time for her to go. I had the chance to say my good-byes. And I've spent my entire adult life coming to terms with the difficulties in our relationship, so at least I didn't have that to grieve.

But yesterday, I also realized that I might, quite simply, be just too busy to allow myself to feel. I'm in the middle of the busiest time of my professional life (one full-time job, one approximately quarter-time job, and a weekly class). Plus, there is all the energy we're putting into Michael's film project. I'm not getting much down time and haven't since the first of the year. And emotional processing takes time and space and lots of energy.

This week, I did take some time. I took yesterday off. As part of our Good Friday service, we pray for those who have died, and suddenly I found myself missing my mom. Not grieving the pain in our relationship or thinking about any of the difficulties. Just missing her. Remembering how she always wanted an Easter lily every year and thinking about what she used to fix for Easter dinner. Picturing the times she hid died Easter eggs around the house after my little brother and I went to bed on Saturday night.

I am taking 45 minutes for prayer / journal most mornings, so I guess I'll just have to trust that the grieving process will continue on some level. In the meantime, I need to keep juggling this insane schedule of mine for at least two more months. And May will be even more hectic because I will be taking two classes instead of just one. What was I thinking when I signed up for this? I now wonder. Actually, I know what I was thinking. I told myself that pursuing my art is worth sacrifice and difficulty. However, as my husband would tell you, I do tend to drive myself too hard and this is one example of that.

Anyway, grieving my mom was my Good Friday experience. I guess that's appropriate to the holiday.

If I don't post again this weekend, a blessed Easter to all who observe it.