I was struck by a stunning insight this morning that may completely redefine my sense of self and lay to rest one of my most exhausting mental struggles.
I have a vocation as a fiction writer. Of this I am certain. The call has been clear and continuous for more than 30 years, and when I stray from it, the Lord pointedly pulls me back.
And yet, I have had little success. Five published short stories. That's more than many people achieve but not what I'd hoped to accomplish. I can offer many rationalizations for the "poor" results. I have chosen intentionally to write what I'm passionate about, to explore the issues that matter to me, instead of to write for the market. Doing so has been more satisfying to my soul, but not so good for a career. While I've been writing to please my inner self, the industry has changed. More and more people are writing all the time, so the odds are something like 10,000 to 1 that a new writer will become published. For someone who deliberately bucks the marketing formulas, the odds are no doubt considerably higher.
And of course, there is the possibility that I'm just not good enough. I tend to think that isn't the case--partially because of feedback I've received on rejections and partially because I make my living as a writer quite successfully in a different field.
So I'm left with the conundrum: Why did God give me this vocation if I'm not to succeed or find the audience I crave?
I received a glimmer of a new answer this morning. I've been preparing myself to serve on a discernment committee for a dear friend who is considering becoming a deacon. For those of you not in the Episcopal or Catholic churches, a deacon is a person who is ordained to ministry but who also works at another job in the world. One of a deacon's functions is to help his or her bishop keep in touch with what's happening in the world.
Well, this morning, it suddenly occurred to me that my vocation may never have been to become a full-time professional fiction writer. Perhaps all this time, God has intended me to be a deacon writer--one who works at another job in the world, which then informs her vocation. Perhaps I'm not a case of chronically delayed success. Maybe I've been successfully living out my vocation all this time.
I've been asking God to resolve my vocational conundrum for a very long time. I'm going to have to mull over this new way of thinking for a while and see if it truly does answer my questions.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Redefining my Vocation
7 comments:
This is a wonderful meditation, Ruth. Yes!
Interesting thought - and certainly if you are writing for a living you are using the writing talent you were born with. And, as the saying goes, life is what happens while you're making plans! But if you still have this desire to be a fiction writer, don't give up - no one says you can't do both.
Hi Mauigirl! How are you? It's been a long time.
And thanks for the encouragement.
How do you know this is "God" and that you're not just hearing voices in your head?
I love your image of being a "deacon writer." You HAVE been published, a goal that probably eludes so many.
Hi, RHC. Thinking of you this week, so clicked thru on my own blog's blogroll to see what you've been up to. Seems like this post was a long time coming, and since you have posted very little since last fall, maybe you're on a new track that's making sense finally. Either way, you're raising great points (or God is... to be accurate), ones that as you know I have struggled to reconcile as well. Great to hear you are having breakthroughs like this. Further proof that we do in fact get to grow up (in the Lord) before we check out of this life.
Your writing, in all modes, has blessed me when I am exposed to it. They're all a product of your spiritual gifts... worldly values or publishing categories be damned! (Not literally... ok, MAYBE literally, but I don't want to sound like I have sour grapes over being even less frequently published than yourself. Lack of context/confidence is one of my specific writerly burdens, though... maybe not one you have faced as much.
Let me know how progress is coming on this question in 2013 and beyond. Maybe there's a new "office" we can jointly recommend to the mainline churches: "creative deacon"!
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