Lenten Storm

LENTEN STORM


Wet, heavy, cold,
a self-imposed duty
weighs upon my body
like sodden, late-season snow
so I sit, bowed down and silent,
waiting for the sun's grace
to shine upon my weary limbs,
melt their accrued burdens,
and free me to dance
whenever the spirit blows.

The Purpose of Life

The other day I was in a Facebook chat with a friend, and the subject of the purpose of life came up. So I wrote this summary of what I believe for my friend. The conversation didn't go any further than that--she didn't want to discuss it anymore--but I still found it a valuable exercise, so I decided to post what I wrote here in my poor neglected blog. If anyone out there is still reading my posts, here in a nutshell is why I get up each morning.

I think the purpose of life is to be in relationship with God and, from being that relationship, to grow more and more like him—and in consequence, to become more and more the person I would have been if I had been born into a world without sin or hurt.

And by that seemingly simple summation, I understand a host of extraordinarily complex things.

First, here are a couple of things I do NOT mean.

I do not mean a legalistic code that I have to obey to please God or earn his love. The moral values I try to follow are the outgrowth of our relationship. I grow closer to him and my life becomes more whole when I do certain things, but the essence of his love for me would never change even if I walked away from all that I believe. Nothing I can do is able to alter my status as beloved child, but my actions and attitudes can affect the quality of my relationship with God, so I try to make choices to nurture our intimacy.

And I am not talking about a transactional faith. I hate the widespread prosperity gospel that teaches “If I give x amount of money or x amount of time to the church, then God will give me y number of blessings.” God is not Santa Claus, and Christianity is not a barter system.

Here is some of what I do mean:

First, the incarnation is a really big deal to me. It means every bit as much to me as the crucifixion and resurrection. We live in a sinful and damaged world, and I don’t expect God to fix every wrong in my life or always protect me from harm. But I do know that because the infinite, omnipotent God took the trouble to limit himself and live as a human, that he understands all my heartaches and that he walks with me or sits with me in all the experiences of life. Because he made the effort to put himself in my shoes, I trust that this is a real relationship.

One reason I keep trying to meditate or practice centering prayer is that it opens me to the Holy Spirit and helps me hear God. Most of the long-term changes I’ve made in my life have come about because of promptings I’ve received in prayer time, and most of them have taken a long step-by-step process to achieve, so I’ve needed to keep opening myself to God for strength and encouragement to persevere. This way of listening to God does more than just give me direction. It also gives the Holy Spirit access to my spirit so that she (the Holy Spirit) can change me—move me toward more health and strength and righteousness—ever so slowly and ever so gently. As an example, over a 15-year period, I gradually went from being someone who wanted the financial security of a marriage with two full-time wage earners, premium benefits, and retirement to someone who is willing to live with the constant insecurity of being two independent contractors because this is the best way for us to exercise our gifts. It requires a constant act of faith that we will be provided for, and it did not come naturally to me by any stretch of the imagination. It was a very gradual and difficult change prompted by internal leadings each step of the way.

I also believe in the transformational power of the sacraments. In our tradition, a sacrament is an outward, physical sign of an inward and invisible grace. When I was baptized, it was a visceral experience for me because it a physical reminder that I have been spiritually cleansed. (I was 9 or 10, so I remember it.) When I take communion, I do feel the presence of Jesus in the body and blood. For me it is a very intimate moment, the only way that humans can experience God in physical form. When I attend a wedding, by listening to the vows, I am internally renewing my vows to Michael. And I believe that every time I worship or attend to a sacramental act with an open spirit, I again allow the spirit of God to enter into me and to transform me.

Intimacy and transformation are really the keys to my personal theology and my belief in why I am here. What I seek from my relationship with God is healing for past hurts, exploration and exercise of the gifts he has given me, meaningful work to do in the world, and intellectual and spiritual growth. None of these things are necessary to make me acceptable to God, but they deepen my relationship with him and make me more Christlike little by little. It’s not about perfection. It’s about process. The process of becoming the most completely developed Ruth Hull Chatlien I can, given the amount of damage and limitation I started out with and the relatively short span of a human lifetime.